DOLDRUMS [H.S]

5

My vision was getting blurred. I was losing my consciousness. I saw a figure came running towards me.

"Grace nooooo"

I knew it was Louis I wanted to speak to him but the pressure around my neck didn't let me do it.

My eyes was finally closed and everything was blank.

***

I was finally able to open my eyes, my fingers were making small moments but my whole body was still weak. I felt like I had a long sleep like really long.

I saw Louis sleeping just beside me in the couch. I looked around it wasn't the familiar place. I knew I was rescued but I didn't wanted myself to be rescued.

I tried to sit but I failed my body was so weak. 

"grace?"

I turned to see Louis sitting on the couch with a soft smile.

"Hi" I said.

"What are you doing?" He asked

"Trying to sit" I said with a smile.

"Don't, your body is weak" he said with disappointment in his voice.

"okay" I said whispering.

He just sat there looking at the floor. I knew he was disappointed, disappointed because I tried to kill myself. 'twice' my subconscious added. I made a promise to him that i won't do it again and that promise was now broken.

"Louis speak something."

Silence was the response he gave.

"Lou please"

"What should I even say Grace?"

"Anything, just speak to me please"

"I want to I really do, if you'll tell me why are you doing this. Why are you so desperate to end your life."

"I-i" 

"See, please tell me Grace, I don't want to lose you."

"I'll tell you I swear but can you please take me out from here?" I asked.

"You're weak now. I'll ask the doctor when can you leave"

"Thanks" was all I can say.

I decided I'll tell him every single detail. He never judged me, never left me I will tell him this time without missing a thing or two.

******

"That was it" I said after telling him everything, after showing him my scars.

He let out a deep sigh after listening to all the things.

He took my hand and pushed my sleeves up making all the scars I made visible. He gently and slowly ran his fingers on every scar. As if he was trying to see the pain I cause myself, things that  took me to harm myself. At that moment I knew he understood every single thing.

"Never do that Grace." he said looking up to me caressing my cheeks.

"I want to but I can't. You know when I look myself in the mirror and I see a stranger standing there. I don't know her. I've never met her. I know that I'm slowly becoming her. I don't want to but I am. I can't handle it anymore lou, I'm sorry I'm really sorry. I don't want to be like this. Please." I said crying and wrapping my arms around him to find comfort. He placed one of his hand on my shoulder and one on my hair. I continued sobbing.  I did find comfort in his arms.

"Shhh...Shhhh Its gonna be okay. I'm with you always and forever no matter what okay." he said whispering.

"I need you come with me somewhere tomorrow okay?" He asked.

I nod in response.

"Come now you need to sleep okay" he said.

I followed what he said and laid down on the bed. Louis covered me with the blanket and kissed my forehead.

"i'll be downstairs" he said after kissing me.

"No" I said softly.

  Since my mom died I kinda cut him off from my life. I cut everyone from life.

Only my father and Louis can give me the comfort I want no one else can.

"please stay" I said looking up to him.

"Sure" he said and laid down on the empty place beside me.

"Thank you" I whispered. 

"Goodnight" I said smiling.

"Goodnight G" He replied

****

"Nooooooo"

I wake as if it's an emergency, as if sleeping had become a dangerous thing. My heart beats fast and there is a buzzing in my brain and together they are as panic with jump-leads. Only now my brain is as a flat battery, the exertions of the night being a marathon of erratic problem-solving. And so this day will pass as if I am hungover, not from drink, but from the nightmares that demand solutions.

"What happened" Louis said waking up.

"just another nightmare" I said

"Your mom?"

I nod.

I check the time and it was 9:23 am in the morning. I got out of my bed and walked toward the bathroom. I soon got out after taking a shower and brushing my teeth. I searched through my cupboard.

I wore a crop top with a pair of boyfriend jeans.

I walked out of the room and saw Louis talking with Diana. 

"I'm ready" I said to him. I tried to avoid looking at her,

"Lets go" He said

"Where are you going honey" Diana interrupted.

"Just friends hanging out" Louis replied.

We walked out and I sat in the passenger seat of Louis car.

"Why were you talking to her?" I said anger boiling up inside me.

"Really?" He said starting the car.

"What" 

"She was just asking about Chicago"He said driving. I knew he was lying he was not looking me in the eye. He always does that when he is lying.

"Don't lie" I said looking towards the window.

This is ridiculous, first he talks with Diana. Second, he is lying. He never does that. I felt so anger boiling inside me I closed my eyes to calm myself but it didn't help. Music always calms me down I thought. I reached my hand and turn the radio of the car.

Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah
And floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time

I recognized it was 'don't stop me now' by Queen my favorite band of all the time. 

                                                              **********

I'm thinking that grace is overreacting...what do you think?

I'm so sorry for not bringing Harry...I promise he'll come in the next one Stay tuned.

My twitter account is -@whateve39208563