Pain fills me up.
Pain is what I'm living in.
Pain is seeing my mother becoming someone I hoped I would never see. My heart hurts. She's never hurt me physically and to think that the moments before her breakdown were perfect. She was smiling more than I have ever seen her smile since Dad passed and it's because of him. Because of Harry. I watched as my mother told him my embarrassing childhood stories. I watched as he took in every single word she said, a smile on his face. I watched as she enjoyed telling him how she felt, the smile on her face.
He's here and I can't help but feel alleviation.
I imagined he was the love of my life, meeting my mother for the first time. I imagined this. Then the moment was shattered into a million pieces. My mother hurt me in the state of mind I always hated her in. She has never, in my childhood, lay a hand on me and that's what hurts the most. This thing that controls her mind. This sickness.
"I'm not going anywhere." Harry says again, his warm fingers wrapped around my wrist. Tears burn my eyes, yelling for an escape. I let him pull me into his arms, my hands soaked and covered in bubbles but I just let go. I let go of all the worry, the pain, the guilt and wanting I've felt ever since Dad passed. I just wanted everything back the way it was before. When Mom was never sick, when Dad took me to the fair every year, when I used to spend every holiday with them. The summers we went to the lake, the Christmas's we spent hanging up decorations or putting up the tree. I let it all out of my system because somehow I feel comfortable and relieved in his arms.
~••~
I woke up today, forgetting what had happened last night and went straight to work. Harry has an interview today with the biggest entertainment media and I have to be focused to tell him what to say and what not to say. I head over to the gym and wave to the other guys who've seemed to taken a liking to me coming by all the time. It's been almost two weeks since I first met with Harry.
"Faye." Rick walks up to me, a smile on his face. "Good to see you."
"Same to you, Rick. Where's Styles?"
"In the back working with Jeremy." He nods his head towards the back of the gym. Jeremy is Harry's other ring coach who pretty much shows him some of the basic hits in professional boxing. I walk towards the back to see Harry in the ring, hitting the gloves on Jeremy's hand. I try to hide my smile when I see him, thinking back to last night. He was so gentle and he listened to everything I wanted to say. It's amazing how altered he can be in the ring and out of it. He takes his last hit and chuckles when Jeremy swings at his head and dodges the hit. He then notices me and replaces his chuckle with a small smile.
"Hey." He says as I walk up to the ring.
"Styles." I greet him.
"How are you feeling?" He asks, pulling his hoodie off and shaking his hair around before running his fingers through it.
"You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine." I say strictly because I don't want to talk about last night. He stares at me for awhile then looks down at the ground.
"Okay." He looks back up. "But can I at least ask how your day is going?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to talk." I say too harshly, raising my voice a bit. It's quiet and I stare at the ground, hoping I didn't hit his mood button and change it. I actually love when he smiles. I roll my eyes internally, I shouldn't be thinking these things.
"Fine." He finally says. "Follow me." He hops out of the ring and gestures for me to follow him. I take a deep breath and follow him towards the part of the gym where punching bags hang. He hugs a bag, playing with it and looks to me. "If you don't want to talk, hit."
