If there's one thing I'm completely terrified of, it's love. The word itself scares the hell out of me. There's only been one woman I loved my entire life and that's my mum. I've never fallen in love in the past, I was too focused on getting into trouble or fighting my way out of it. Yeah, there were girls I wanted to hookup with but it wasn't out of love. It was just for the thrill of it. My past relationships didn't last long. I would say the longest was a week. Most of the girls I hooked up with in high school knew I wasn't the committing type.
But when I'm around Faye, I feel like there's something more there and there shouldn't be. A whole part of me wants her but the little bit left is telling me that it's a bad idea, something that'll ruin the both of us.
That's why I want her to take the offer Trey had presented her. I need her to. She makes me weak. It will hurt like hell for her to leave but it's for both of our benefits. It'll be better if she left now so that my feelings for her don't deepen. I can become strong again and she can have a better opportunity. We'd just go our separate ways, living our own lives. But as I walk away from her, I'm already hurting. I was so close. So close to those lips that make me feel hesitant. Those lips that make me smile.
We both knew it was the wrong thing to do it as we both moved away instinctively. It surprised me and I know it surprised her. As I ponder this in the elevator, I look to the dent I made earlier today. She knew it was me. I lean against the wall of the elevator, my eyes shut as that may have been the last time I will ever see her again. The effect she has on me is strong. I told her to consider the job.
Was she hurt when I said that? I hope not too much. I only want her happy with the same smile I saw in my dream.
Am I selfish for that? For basically making the decision for her. It can't be selfish of me to want her happy. As I enter the gym, I can't stop thinking of that smile. Those brown eyes. Those plump, pink lips. The way she brushes her hair back in agitation as if I don't notice.
The way she fought me last night in the ring.
I'm only making it harder on myself when I think of her little things. But then again, I have to be strong. I shake my head as if it will rid my mind of her beautiful, flawless face. I have to be strong enough to beat Carter. Carter was the one thing that ran through my mind, all red.
But then she came along and changed my color spectrum.
~••~
The gym is packed today and I'm glad. This place seems to be more empty all the time and I like the fact that the guys aren't always looking at me. I practice a few fights with the punching bag, then with some of the guys. My mind seems to drift back to Faye and I find out the reason why as I hear a few whistles from some guys I don't know. I look directly into the eyes that I hoped I would never have to look into anymore. And I see why the guys are whistling. She's wearing jeans, tight jeans for the first time with a white v-neck shirt and a jacket. I hide the smirk that plays at my lips when I see her in those jeans. I've teased her about always wearing dress pants and here she is wearing jeans. I nod to the guy I was fighting and hop out of the ring as she approaches.
"I want to know why." She says without a hello.
"Why." I say with a smirk, looking at her legs before looking to her eyes again as she nods. Everyones eyes are on us so I gesture for Faye to head outside, too afraid to touch her.
"You want me to leave?" She asks, her arms crossed and eyes cast to the ground. I sigh and a smile starts to grow on my face. She isn't shy to me the way she used to be but right now she's back to the girl I met that night.
"No." I answer softly. She doesn't look up yet so I just spill. "You effect me in a way I can't control and I hate the idea of not being able to control something." She finally looks up at me. "You're foreign to my mind and I don't know if I can ever get used to it." I stop for a second, wanting to see if her expression will change but she just stare at me. "You can't lie to me and tell me you don't feel this thing between us growing into something it shouldn't."
