The art of getting better.

Chapter 3.

September 18th, 1998

Today's just like any other day. Except It's the opposite. I'm sitting in my car trying to clear my thoughts because ever since his funeral I've been going insane. Putting myself back in the wooden seats of the pews, trying to find him, but alas nothing. I'm listening to the radio even if it's on low. The weatherman is talking about rain in the next few days, not like I'm complaining. I have harder things to deal with. His face is following me. The memories of our past haunting my future. I change the station and when the lights go out by five is playing. I turn it down to start my car because boy bands aren't my thing, but it's better than the news. I drive down a barren street with abandoned houses and overgrown vegetation. Changing the station once more all I want by toad the wet sprocket fills my ears with distraction. Driving past my school, it's this giant stone castle in the middle of town with giant wood doors and stained glass windows that would reflect the sun if it wasn't hidden by dark storm clouds. I pull into the parking lot because my hour is up and I have class. I slide into a parking spot a little ways away from the building. Opening the door my shoe, worn and ripped meets the likelihood of a rain puddle, Fuck Today just isn't my day.

Walking into the school I'm greeted with people talking and walking to their 4th-period classes. I have biology 4th and it's on the 3rd floor. I stop at my locker, a beat-up dark green rusty chamber. Moving the dial on the lock from the left to the right to the left again and pulling down the lock opens. Opening the locker with ease a piece of paper falls out and lands on the ground. I pick it up instinctively, and I'm too afraid to open it. I slide it in my pocket and ditch my bio textbook which is why I was there in the first place. Storming Through the front doors I jog to my car. Jumping into the front seat I hold my breath as I open it. My heart sinks when I read the
Letters. Written in what appeared to be Rob's handwriting written on a tiny piece of paper are the words. "It wasn't an accident," I crumpled the page and shove it in my jean pocket before starting my car. Who's threatening me? Is this even a threat? I try to think but my mind is incredibly blurry. I lower the radio to allow my head the space to come up with an explanation, who would want Rob dead, assuming that's what the note is telling me. It's not Abby, she dated him and they were still friends till the end, I don't think it's Clint considering we were together that entire night. It's not Luke, they had a falling out in grade 11 and he'd tell me if he did something like that. Then again they had a falling out and I only saw him for a brief moment before I left that night. My mind spirals. He could have killed Rob, he's got answers I know it. I drive out of the parking lot completely forgetting about my 4th and 5th period.
What if he did do it? What does that mean? I slam my steering wheel before turning it into a side street. I'm trying to catch my breath but the force of the entire world is stopping me from breathing in completely.  My heart's beating a thousand beats per second. And I can feel my anxiety peaking.
He didn't deserve to die. I turn the radio up to block out my explosive thoughts. And I don't know if this is real or not, but I hear his voice, his soft like honey tone. My world is turning upside down.
"It's your fault, Tom." The voice says from the radio. I turn the dial to 0 to get the voice to stop, but it remains in my head. Loud. present. Alive. The voice of a live one fills my ears with pain and torture, I feel a turning in my stomach and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Opening the door I spew bile and other bodily fluids onto the cold harsh pavement. At that moment the voices stop and I can feel myself again. I wipe my mouth with my sleeve. I feel weak and I'm exhausted. shutting the door and slouch in the driver's seat slamming my head on the headrest.

"Hey, Luke!" I say two hours later, waiting outside of the school. He has answers. He's walking to his bus when he spots me. Today he's wearing a rolling Stones tee-shirt with ripped jeans held up by a shoelace.
"Hey, Tom! What's up?"
"Do you need a drive home?"
"I can take the bus, you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Um, I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Ok," he says climbing into the passenger seat. I drive out of the school parking lot and I drive down Main Street.
"I got a note," I say finally, holding the wheel with both hands.
"Ok? From who?" He asks, rubbing his thumbs together. He doesn't seem as bothered by this new sense of information, probably because he doesn't know what it says.
"No idea, how close were you to Rob?"
"Not that close, sure we were friends but I didn't know him that well."
"What were you doing at Ethan's party?" the night my life fell apart.
"I was picking Abby up,"
"Just to pick her up? The note said it wasn't an accident, so I'm just trying to figure out how it fits in, I saw you beat Ethan up."
"It's not my story to tell. Listen if you think I killed Rob, you're stupid. I'll prove it, make a left here," he says pointing the way. I let him lead the way, taking me to a dirt road covered in foliage. Driving down the barren road we arrive where the story begins. He gets out before I can even stop the car. I hastily get out stuffing the note in my navy blue hoodie as Luke is halfway up this hill, I follow his lead making my way up the steep grassy hill, the tall stalks of vegetation covering the dirt make it hard to figure out where my feet should go. Reaching the top Luke wanders to a rusty train track. He walks on the metal railing balancing himself before he jumps on one of the mouldy wooden planks. The hill is pretty close to Ethan's house,  The grassy terrain stopping at a cliff to the right away from the train tracks. The cliff looks over the entire town, making everything seem minuscule.
"For two years I finally felt like I found myself." He says, continuing to walk.
"You couldn't have told me that when we were in the car, what the fuck do you mean," I ask following close by.
"I felt like a person for the two years that I knew him, he made me not feel like I was a burden. And I haven't felt like that in a while. I got scared and it's my fault." He says stopping. His voice breaks a little.
"Why did you get scared?"
"I don't know, I was scared I'd hurt him, and the only way to do that was to stop being friends with him,"
"I don't think that's how that works, but I don't think you're a burden, I think you're amazing"
"It is though, I stabbed him in the back. He trusted me,"
"I feel that one, but you deserve to win, what happened?"
"I killed Rob."
"What?" I ask, stepping back.
"I stopped hanging out with him and he died cuz I couldn't protect him," he says holding back tears.
"There was nothing you could have done. Luke you can't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault." I say taking his hand.
"I feel so guilty. I was there that night. I could have stayed with him instead of letting him die. " Luke says, falling into me turning it into a deep hug. I hold him tight as I feel him begin to crumble, tears soaking my hoodie.
"It's ok," I say rubbing his back as he continues to sob.
"He was my friend and I outed him." He says broken and between sober tears
"You knew he was gay?" I say holding him.
"I outed him. To our smoking group," he says drying his eyes.
"I'm sure that's not the reason he's dead." I'm heartbroken. My heart's in my throat and I can't breathe. The universe pinning me down. Forcing me to leave myself.
"I could have forgiven him or at least done something to fix what I did, the worst thing is. I didn't hate it," he says as I kiss him. It's a short quick kiss, It's only for a second, but that second was crucial. I pull back quickly regretting everything.
"I'm sorry, i"
"What the fuck?" Luke says staring at me like I'm someone else. His voice is soft and loud and shocked all at the same time. "Are you gay?"
"I don't know, maybe?" I say expecting a slap in the face. Instead, he just holds my hands. My voice is soft. And anxious and I'm gonna throw up.
"When did you find out?"
"When I met Rob." I say "we had a thing all summer."
"Really? He was so good, and he didn't deserve a friend like me." Luke says still holding my hands.
"Luke, he loved you too."
"come here," he says and I hug him tight. We stay at the railroads until twilight living through memories of Rob. The world is turning to dust.
"I miss him," I say looking at Luke. He's a scrawny man. With dyed black hair. His natural colour is dirty blond but ever since the 10th grade he's kept up with the black hair don't care look. He and I have been friends since kindergarten. When life was simpler. We met because we both wanted to play with the Legos, and we just kinda hit it off. I wish to kiss his lips again. To confess my love to him, but I don't. Because it's too soon, and I think I'm just rebounding.
"I still see Rob everywhere," I say staring at him.
"Me too," Luke says. "I know that you two had a thing. At first, I didn't want to believe but whenever we hung out together I could tell that you really loved each other." I feel my eyes sting with tears as they begin to fall down my cheeks.
"He meant the world to me,"
"I know he did. It's ok." It's not ok. The universe is testing my limits and I'm about to break. I can feel myself slipping back to a place I don't want to go back too and I pray that I never feel like that again.
"Rob wouldn't have wanted us to feel sad. He'd probably make fun of us for crying," I say drying my tears.
"Rob would probably want to go get food," Luke says and I laugh turning sadness into joy.
Driving through the town. The blare of the lights is stimulating my senses.
We pull into a McDonalds because it's the only thing open at 10 pm,
"What do you want?" I say looking into his eyes.
"Just an ice cream," he says and I hear the passing of cars and people talking about their days. I pull up to the drive-through and I swear I heard Rob's voice through the intercom, but it slowly turns into a soft mellow voice of a girl. I stutter and order an ice cream because I'm panicking.
"You didn't order anything for yourself," Luke says looking at me.
"Eh, I'm not that hungry." I'm lying. I'm starving but if I try and eat I'll probably just throw it back up.

Pulling into Luke's driveway he gets out slowly hesitating.
"We're gonna be ok, you're gonna get through this." He says getting out of my beaten-up dodge caravan. He shuts the door and I stare at him making sure he gets into his house. The boy next door. He wanders a glance at me and waves as he enters his house. I change the station and the freshman by the verve pipe plays softly. I pull out of the driveway trying to clear my mind. I drive for a little longer stopping at a red light, looking to my left I see a man I could have sworn was Rob singing loudly to a song I can't hear. He's wearing a sweater and a hat that's on backwards covering his shaggy hair. He turns to look at me and nods as the light turns green. I nod back waving Awkwardly as he speeds off down a barren street.

Driving to my house the flashing of red and blue sends nausea to my stomach. There's a cop car parked in front of my house. The lights blinding me. I stop my car and get out slowly. A large man in uniform is talking to my mother before I can even process what's happening.
"Are you Tommy Everitt?" A cop with thick mutton chops says largely with dominance in his voice.
"Yeah?" I say questioning his authority.
"Do you mind if we ask you a few questions about the night of September 5th" the night he died? I stammer and look at him growing red because I just do that when I feel like I'm in trouble. And the police just make me nervous in general.
"Uh sure. Is this about Rob?" I ask, about to break down.
"Afraid so son." My parents are outside watching as I hold myself together. "His case is now considered a homicide. So we just need to ask you a couple of questions, shouldn't take long."
"He was murdered?" I'm going to throw up. The cop just nods and opens the car door so I can get in.
Getting into the backseat of a cop car the sense of what's happening is sinking in. I caress the note that's hidden in my pocket.
It wasn't an accident. I feel the weight of the world crushing me in this cop car. The back is comfortable except for the sense of claustrophobia with the barred barrier between me and the cop. The thick cop isn't the only one in the car, there's a smaller guy with a buzz cut talking into a walkie talkie, the words it wasn't an accident flash through my mind and it's all I can think about until I'm brought into an empty room aside from a table in the middle with two chairs on either side. The thick cop guides me to my seat. The thinner cop is nowhere to be found. He was a handsome fellow, looked to be around 24 with slight stubble and golden brown eyes. I sat down and the man approached me putting both hands on the table.
"Where were you that night?"
"I was driving. Trying to clear my head." I say looking down at my hands, trying to make sense of what's happening.
"We have witnesses Saying you were with Rob that night, is that true?"
"Yeah, but we weren't doing anything. It was a party." I say hesitantly.
"They say it was at a high school party, is that true Mr. Everitt," I nod and he continues. "I also have eyewitnesses that state there was alcohol at this party is that right Mr. Everitt," I nod again slowly.
"Did Rob have any enemies?"
"No, everyone loved him."
"Did he ever get in a fight with anyone before September 5th?"
"No, I don't think he did," I say holding my arm.
"Did you kill Robert Nixon?"
"What?"
"Answer the question, Mr. Everitt."
"No!" I say nearly shouting.
"Are you sure you didn't lose yourself and you finally snapped?"
"What are you trying to say? That I realistically killed him? We were at a party." I say choking on my spit.
"He was found with your fingerprints on his clothes" I nearly throw up. Except there's nothing in my system. So there's nothing to throw up. I wait a bit before continuing because if I talk I know I'll end up spewing bile everywhere.
"I didn't kill him," I say fighting back tears.
"I'm going to need you to tell me everything about that night, everything you remember."
"The only thing I remember is that he left around 12ish. I just expected him to go for a quick walk and he'd be back." I say trying to go back to that night.
"Is there anything else?" My brain is in fragments and I can't remember anything else.
"I don't remember," I say honestly wanting to curl up and cry.
"Before I let you go, do you recognize any of these items? They were found on his body when he died." The cop says pulling out a bag full of evidence. Inside is a box of Mike and Ike's, a lighter, and a mixtape. The mixtape in question is an identical one that I made for us when we first started dating, labelled heart. How fitting.
"Yeah, these were Rob's," I say stale and numb. I wish he was here to tell me everything's gonna be ok. That he wasn't actually murdered and he's actually still missing, so the hope that he's alive is still an option. I wish the universe wasn't such an asshole and would just fuck off and give me a break.
"I have an alibi,"
"Do you son?"
"Clint Anderson, I'm the one who called 911 on the car crash."
"The crash happened an hour prior to Robert's Death." Rob hated being called Robert because it was too formal. And he's right, it is too formal.
"Well, I was with Clint the entire night. Listen can you promise me something."   
"I can't promise anything, but what?" he says and I'm about to burst into tears.
"Can you promise me you'll catch whoever killed him?" I say my voice cracking a bit.
"I'm gonna do the best that I can son."