In Love With Blindfolds On

Consequences

I guess this is day four or five. I do not know. All I know is people still cannot hear me. Nurse Moore read me a couple of books. One of the books she read was called Dying on The Inside and Suffocating on The Outside. I can relate to Skylar, but our situation isn't the same—I can relate to her feeling lonely. However, she overcomes her eating disorder, and I know I can overcome my illness of attachment.

                                                                                        ~~~

On the seventh day, I hear a familiar voice say, "Hey, Ryder." My ears feel like they have a lot of fluid in them. I can hardly hear, but the voice sounds very familiar. The more the person talks, the more I feel like I am drowning, and the fluid is taking over.

I don't have a good feeling. I start to panic because my body doesn't feel normal, something is seriously wrong. I feel like I am underwater. I hear a deep voice say, "She has fluid on the brain." After that, I do not remember a thing.

                                                                                        ~~~

I lose count, and I do not know how many days I've been in the hospital or keeping myself company. As a matter of fact, I do not care anymore. I just want to die because I know I won't ever be normal again. I am more than sure that Tee has fucked up my life and my body. I can't help but wonder if she messed up my spine, as I remember she beat me over and over again with a broom. She stomped me on my face numerous times. And the last thing I heard was that I had fluid on my brain.

Will I have to start over? I should have given up when I had to choose life or death. I am tired of fighting. I feel like I am already dead. People see my body, but my soul is lost, and I do not have anything left to give.

I listen for my heartbeat, but I can't hear anything. I wonder, am I brain dead? If I am brain dead, I do not think I would be able to talk to myself. Maybe a person can talk to themselves if they are brain dead...who knows...mentally, I am in prison. The only thing I am allowed to do is think... think ... think... of the 'what if's' and the consequences I have to endure. I yell at myself in my head, "Why? Why? Why? Why didn't I leave when I had the chance? Why? Ryder, why?"

Less than a month after knowing Tee, I saw the signs, but I ignored them every got-damn time. Before she put her hands on me, she used to block the door when I tried to leave. I remember when we got into a bad argument. I wanted to go to the movies, and she wanted to hang out on the street corner. We were in her room, and I was leaning on the wall. She ran up to me and punched a hole in the wall right above my head. I was so scared. I ran to the door, but she stood in the way and blocked me from leaving.

A couple of days later, she took the bus to my job. I couldn't believe it. She embarrassed the shit out of me. Customers were in line, and she walked behind the counter and yelled, "Why the fuck you haven't picked up your damn phone! I know you see me calling your ass!" She reached in my pocket for my phone and slammed it on the concrete floor. That was the first time she broke my phone. Before I could answer, my manager called the police and kicked her out of the restaurant. I had to beg my manager to not press charges.

Later that evening, my co-workers asked me if I needed a ride. I accepted a ride since it was late, but I asked them to drop me off at the train station. I didn't go to Tee's house. I didn't even go home, either. I spent the night at the train station restroom. Sleeping in there was the first time in a long while I had peace of mind.

Tee would act crazy if I didn't answer or simply didn't hear my phone ring. She would throw and break my phone anywhere at any given time. Geesh, I do not know how many phones I've replaced since I've been with Tee. If I can take a wild guess, I would say within the three years we've been together, maybe...ummmm...fifteen, to say the least. Her anger always got the best of her and me.