Tower of Secrets

Clint Barton

A/N Here's the shoutout for 1st comment: KJ_Spins and KJ said "Percy worst enemy... Scrabble"

In my defense- Yeah, I got nothing. I made a big oof (that's what my kids would say, I think). It, uh, wasn't very lit at all. Like, I did a weird flex. Yeet.

Okay, I'll stop now.

Lol noPe. Uno reverse! Now you have to cease using all your weird Gen Z lingo and I get to use it all I like! At least, I think that's what the uno reverse card means. Who knows? I don't, but my kids do.

Wait... Do my kids even know? What if the entirety of Gen Z collectively has no idea what everyone their age is saying, but just decides that, for the sake of fitting in, they'll play along and feed the mayhem of words that make no sense, like "yeet" and "big mood" and "oof!"

I-I have had an epiphany.

And, just like that, I've gotten off topic. Where even was I? All I can recall about what went down was a lack of Nutty Buddies. Ah, yes, Nutty Buddies. The snack that started the end of the world.

The tale began one fateful Sunday morning. I had innocently been loading my bedazzler in my bedroom. Not that I was planning to actually bedazzle anything. No, it would be completely irresponsible for Hawkeye, the greatest Avenger of all time, to bedazzle Captain America's shield or Iron Man's iron butt or Black Widow's knife hilts.

That last one was actually downright dangerous, and about the other two... sorry Steve. I'm not really sorry about what I did to Tony, that one was absolutely hilarious.

So, yeah, I was in my room prepping to bedazzle absolutely nothing. When my tummy rumbled. I swear, the Hulk couldn't have been louder. Like, the Hulk's roar is a ten on the Loud Scale and my stomach was an eleven. The armies of Loki would run at the sound.

Naturally, I thought, Hey, me, I should go get something to eat. So, I just had to respond, Sounds good. I'm in the mood for Nutty Buddies.

You heard (read?) me. Nutty Buddies. They were the delicious food of the gods, as far as I was concerned. Little did I know how the traitorous food would lead me to my doom.

Like a normal vent-crawling person, I quickly leapt onto my desk and into the ventalation shaft that I kept open for emergency situations, just like the one that was currently going down. On all fours, I made it to the kitchen, adeptly leaping down onto the counter and striking a Spider-Man pose just to mock Peter, despite him not being anywhere near there.

In fact, no one was near the kitchen. That was suspicious considering I lived with several black holes for food. Narrowing my eyes and glancing around, I tiptoed over to the pantry.

It was empty.

I lived with a billionaire and the pantry was empty. Just imagine my frustration for a hot second. Have you imagined it yet? Have you? Good. Then you now feel like a kicked puppy, or like Peter when denied a Star Wars movie marathon - it's basically the same thing.

Close to a food induced panic, I sprinted to the elevator to check all the kitchens in the living area of the tower. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. None.

The only thing I actually did find was a bag of dog treats, which made no sense whatsoever. There had never been a dog at the tower. Tony wasn't a dog person. "JARVIS?"

"Yes, Birdbrain?"

"Explain."

"Point Break finished off the last box of pop tarts an hour ago, proceeding to ingest the last of the Pringles, Chewy Granola Bars, Nutty Buddies, and Chips Ahoy Cookies. The dog treats are there from about a month ago when Spider-Baby tried to convince Boss to get a puppy," came the explanation.

I pouted. Why did Thor have to be so cruel? Why?

Okay, so there was a problem. I was a highly trained spy and assassin, and possibly the greatest superhero to ever walk the Earth, despite not having any powers. No Nutty Buddies wasn't the end of the world. I could figured this out.

There was probably a box on the intern floor. But, Clint Barton didn't have clearance down there, Hawkeye did. So, I would have to dress in full costume before heading down. Still, not so bad. Then I realized I forgot to factor in the fangirls and fanboys that always seemed dormant in every collage intern. Yeah, there was no way I was facing them again. I shuddered at the thought. Not again.

Okay, okay, that was alright. I just needed an option number two. I could go to the store. But, that would require a really long walk in the foot traffic of New York. No thanks.

Um, option number three? There was no option number three! Why would there be a- I came up with an option number three, but no judging. I was, erm, desperate.

I turned back into the nearly empty pantry. How bad could they be? Dogs liked them, right? Heck, they probably were just like those Scooby Snacks I used to buy for my kiddos. I could do it.

I learned my lesson fairly quickly: just because you could do something doesn't mean you should.

I spewed my guts out in the kitchen trash can for a solid five minutes before rushing to the fridge to grab a drink to get the aweful taste out of my mouth.

Okay, option four: ask Natasha.

A/N akdjfhnkekskdn It's hard to do Calculus in the car.