Focal Point

Chapter 6

She looks up. I haven't seen her in seven years and that's her big opening line is "Hey."

"What is she doing here? I thought this was a family dinner." I ask my dad, pointedly ignoring her.

"She is family."

"Funny, that's a word I'd use to describe someone who shows up and I haven't seen her in years. Not when I graduated from college, not when I had my engagement party, not even when my grandmother died. I'd consider Kai family before I'd consider her."

"Hey! Our grandmother," she interjects.

"Then where were you? Huh?" I ask finally acknowledging her existence. "Why is she here now?" I look to my dad, once again ignoring her.

"Our mom died! Did you really think I wouldn't come?

"I wouldn't be surprised. It's not like you were around when she got sick, or when it got bad." My voice breaks as I finish. I turn away from her and look at my dad, "I need to get out of here. Let me know when she's gone. I give her say a couple of hours until she needs to get back to the team. But for those hours I don't plan on being in the same room with her."

"I didn't show up because I thought you hated me and didn't want me there!" she shouts to my retreating body.

"I do, Hate you, that is."

I run back to my car; it is too much seeing her, after losing mom. There are too many emotions running through me, so I hit the steering wheel, and it hurts. But the pain feels good. So, I do it again, and again. I remember hearing that if you're hurting and you pinch another part of your body the focused pain can distract you from what's really hurting.

I hear the car door open and without looking say, "I swear to God, Ellie, if you don't get the fuck out of here—"

"Chill out, Iris, it's me." Kai's voice comes from the body sitting in the passenger seat. "Let's just go for a drive okay."

I start the car and pull out of the driveway. We drive through the town appreciating the colors of fall and how much it has changed since we left. The second I am out on the main road my foot presses down on the gas. Kai turns the radio on and cranks up the volume. I watch as the speedometer quickly and steadily rises. I watch it go from forty-five to fifty to sixty before faltering in my pressure on the pedal. I roll down the windows and we just coast down Route 3. Kai's hand outside the window as we inharmoniously scream-sing our favorite songs.

Eventually, we turn around and drive back into town. I am still not ready to face her just yet, so instead of driving back to the house, I drive to the old diner. We walk in and make a beeline for our old booth. It is where he told me about his dad leaving, where we opened our college acceptance—and rejection letters, where he told me he liked Ellie, where he told me what Ellie did, where I told him I was marrying Leo—all of it happened here. Melanie, seeing us walk in, gives us a wink to let us know she'll put in our usual order.

As we slide into the blue and red vinyl booth, Kai asks, "So are we going to address what happened back there. Seeing her?"

"I mean, I knew she was going to be there; it's our mom's funeral. But also, I almost didn't expect to see her. She has missed every other event. Why would this be any different?" I shrug as I rip open two sugar packets and pour them into my coffee

"Why would she show up, Iris? She thinks you hate her."

"I do, or at least I did. I don't know how to feel anymore—about anything," I say quietly. "I have always hated myself for it. It's not even about what she did anymore. It's that she didn't fight for me."

"She tried."

"She didn't even come to graduation and I know it was before her practices had started." I motion towards the cream on his side of the table and he slides it across.

"She did," Kai reveals.

"No. She didn't. I was there, I know I did not see my sister at graduation."

"Iris... she was there. She came up to me and we talked for a while. She told me everything and explained why she did what she did and why, after what happened, she left."

"Why?" I think aloud, as I absentmindedly stir my coffee.

"She knew you weren't going to forgive her for what she did, and she couldn't stand you being so disappointed in her."

I inhale deeply hoping the normally calming of comfort food the diner has would relax me, but it doesn't. "No, why didn't she tell me she was there?"

"She was worried you hadn't forgiven her."

"It wasn't her I hadn't forgiven. It was me," I finally admit. The AC kicks on and the feeling from the goosebumps, that have been on my arm since I saw my sister, only intensifies.

"What do you mean?" Kai asks as hands me his think coat.

"That night, yes, I was mad at her. But the way I acted, it was me taking out my jealousy on her, and I hated myself for it," I admitted for the first time in my life.

"So, you weren't mad at her?"

"No, I was mad about her leaving, for choosing soccer over our family. I mean our mom was sick. But I was madder she got to run, and I couldn't. I was just as scared as her, but there was no soccer team to carry me across the country. I had to stay and face it."

"Okay, I get that but how did that lead to you two not speaking since she told you?"

"When she left, I told her we were no longer family. The first two weeks she was gone she called me every day, left messages too, but after that, she stopped calling at all. I mean she checked in with our parents, but she never called me or asked to talk to me and that hurt. I figured she would show up to graduation and we'd clear the air. Then when I thought she didn't show up for graduation," I falter, "I fully wrote her off, never invited her to anything."

"Invite her to the wedding. Just the invite might help mend things."

"I just don't know if I can. Even if she showed up to graduation, she never actually came up to me. And it is not like she has tried to reach out at all. Why do I always have to be the bigger person?"

"You don't get it, do you? You talk about wanting someone to choose you over Ellie, but you already have that. Ellie. She chooses you over herself every time. When she told me she was joining the team, she said it was to give you some distance so people would start seeing you finally. She knew how amazing you were, are, and wanted to give other people that chance too. She saw the guilt over your jealousy that I didn't and wanted to release you from it."