Focal Point

Chapter 7

Kai drives back to the house, while I stare out the window. I think back to my final conversation with my mom. She was in her hospital bed in one of her fewer and fewer moments of lucidness. I had been reading her favorite Nicholas Sparks book, The Last Song, ironically enough seeing as the main character's father dies of cancer.

"You need to forgive her," she hoarsely whispered interrupting my reading.

"I know you have read the book a lot of times, Mom, but she needs to forgive her father, not her mother."

"Ellie. I'm talking about Ellie." She weakly pointed to her water glass.

I brought the cup to her lips and she took a long sip using the straw before she started to speak again.

"She was young and scared. Not too long ago you were a young scared girl who refused to acknowledge her skills and what you wanted. I know you wanted to go out for a soccer scholarship, but your father spent all of his energy on Ellie. You didn't give yourself a chance. And once you got into UVA you didn't even look into trying out." Her voice softened.

"It was UVA, they are third in the country D-1. I didn't have a chance."

"I am not finished." She reached a shaky hand to the water cup resting on her eating tray that was tucked against her bed.

After another long sip of water, she continued her lecture, "You had a chance, but you were scared. And when you're scared you hide in what is safe; Ellie isn't like that. When she is scared, she runs—from her relationships, from cancer, from your dad's pressure, all of it. So, yes, she ran, but it is no better than you, hiding." She starts coughing, and the fit lasts for a few minutes. I bring the water to her lips before she can argue that she can do it herself.

"You two have always been a pair, and this was no exception—she runs; you hide. You can't be mad at her for her tactics being different than yours. Call her. I know I don't have much time—"

"Don't say that."

"Honey, It's true; I don't. And you need to forgive Ellie for leaving you, so you can forgive your dad for choosing her over you, so you can forgive yourself, for hating her so much despite your love for her."

When I got home that night, I threw my keys in the bowl by the door and walked blindly, with no light, to the fridge. I pulled the handle and the light emanating from the fridge created a glow in the kitchen. Letting the light hypnotize me, I started thinking about what I would say to Ellie if I called her. Would she even answer? What would I leave on her voicemail if I did?

"Hey, Ellie, I just wanted to let you know mom isn't doing well. It's getting pretty bad and I know she'd love to see you. I mean us—together. Anyways, if you could just call me we could figure out a good time to get you out here. Uh, so yeah, bye." It'd probably be something like that. But what if she answered? What would I say to her?

As I stood there letting all the cold out, hoping, when I called Ellie she wouldn't answer, my phone rang.

"Why was your mom so upset when you left today. You know her being upset isn't good for her. We need to be positive and make sure she stays that way." That was the hello I got from my dad when I made the mistake of answering his phone call.

I breathed out loudly knowing where this conversation is about to go, "I was reading her, her book and she started talking to me about how I should call Ellie. That the last thing she wants before she leaves us, is me and Ellie talking again."

"Well?"

"What?" I asked him, unsure about what he was expecting.

"What did she say when you called her?"

"I didn't call her."

"Damnit, Iris, can't you get over your damn pride for your mother?"

I opened my mouth to calm him down, as I always did, and tell him I was trying to figure out what I was going to say to her when he had called.

"Of course, it's me that needs to get over me pride. What about you? You have always treated me as less than. You were so full of yourself, so focused on Ellie, and living your dreams through her that you paid zero attention to me. I have been swallowing my pride for years. Years. Did you ever make the connection that Ellie's best games coincided with the games I spent the most time on the field? No. Because you didn't think my skills were worth your time and energy the way hers were."

"Where is this all coming from?" He sounded flustered over the phone as me, his good daughter exploded on him.

"Mom, today. She told me that I needed to stop hiding in my comfort zone when I got scared. So, I am not going to be scared of you anymore."

"You're scared of me?"

The hurt was evident in his voice but I was on too much of a roll to let it stop me before I got it all out. "I was scared of you refusing me when I told you I wanted to train with you guys. I was scared you were going to verbally tell me I was not good enough. You had been saying it non-verbally for years. Extra practices, private coaches, early morning runs. What was I supposed to think?"

"I never knew," his voice broke in defeat.

"'Cause you never asked. So what did I do? I put my pride aside. I trusted your judgment, that I wasn't going to be good enough. But I am done doing that. I was going to call her until you called and told me to once again put aside my pride to accommodate hers. You call her, tell her mom wants to see us together again and ask her to do what you just asked me to. Ask her to put aside her pride see what she says. Anyway, I am tired and need to eat something, so I'll leave you to your call."

"Honey—"

I hung up before I could hear what he had to say. I could feel my heartbeat in my whole body. I can't believe I let out fifteen years of anger on my dad like that. It felt liberating but awful. I knew from his voice how bad he felt and the fact that he hasn't realized what he was doing to me, but that was kind of the point wasn't it, he didn't even notice me.

Kai brakes hard, pulling me out of the past, when he pulls into the driveway I'm out before the car is even in park. The momentum from the still-moving car pushes me towards the house. The momentum that I need but don't want. Walking inside, I search the room for Ellie.