Being Fearless

1

fear
/ˈfir/
noun
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

verb
be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

Children fear the dark, bugs, the monsters in their closets. Adults fear losing a job, going into debt, fear of rejection.

What do I fear? I fear a magnitude of things but nothing at all at the same time. Fear keeps us from doing the things we want to, it stops us from being ourselves. I used to have fears. I used to fear my father. I feared seeing him everyday, I feared not being perfect but as I got older, I stopped fearing him. I stopped worrying about the what ifs and what could happen.

Seeing the kids around school loving their fathers, them being loved and cared for. It made me sad and mad that I could never have what they did. The kids at school hated me, they hated me so much that every chance they got, they would add another bruise to my already broken body. The bruises fade but the words never did. People would look at me like I was the monster, like I chose to have to wear my hood over my face and loose sweatpants on my legs. They hated seeing my bruises and when I covered them they hated it too.

No one would help me, not even teachers. They would look at me with disgusted faces turning their noses up at me and call me vulgar hateful words. When I was younger I would pray that someone saw what I went through and helped me.

One time I thought my prayers were finally answered in the form of a guy that I liked, the captain of the football team. He was the light to the never ending darkness that surrounded me. Many nights of painful abuse I went through just to see him. Broken bones, cuts, blood, bruises. Matt, the guy that I thought was my saving grace, turned out to be a demon in disguise. We dated for two years, I gave him everything I could. He told me he loved me and that he would never leave me or do anything like what my father did to me. What Matt did to me was worse than any abuse my father ever gave me. I caught Matt cheating on me with the school's cheer captain. My world started crumbling when I walked into that room, but when I realised he told me to meet him here my world crashed straight into the ground.

He looked up from the bed and made eye contact with me, he had a smirk plastered on his face. From that point on, I was the laughing stock of the school. Everyone laughed at me, taunted me. Why would the captain of the football team want a lowlife abused girl like you? The words he said to me rang through my head for months. For months I cried and sulked, when the tears stopped and I was finally numb I decided to change. I decided to be the monster everyone thought I was.

If it had the potential to kill me then I did it from racing to drinking to drugs. If it's there then I tried it. I wanted to be numb and by god did I become it. My smile was never genuine anymore, it was always laced with malice or vehemence. My smile stopped reaching my eyes and instead was a mask that I showed to people. I had turned off my emotions with the pure rage and pharmaceuticals that pumped throughout my veins.

I stopped caring about anything, not even myself, I chased the adrenaline and the high not caring who I harmed to get it. I couldn't feel anything anymore physically, mental, or emotionally. I was simply a shell of a person and honestly it was the best feeling i've ever experienced. 19 years of abuse ruin most people but it just made me the best version of myself.

So here I am, sitting in 5th place, waiting for the woman at the starting line to drop the green flag and set all 10 of us off.

Everyone surrounding me is in very expensive cars that are all about the same speed. Most of these cars were bought illegally but a few are stolen. My car is well... undecided. I'm driving a blue Zenvo TS1 GT with a top speed of 233 mph. In front of me is a white Pagani Huayra with a top speed of 238 mph and behind me is a yellow Ford GT the top speed is 216 mph. I don't have the fastest car here but it's not about speed, it's about your ability to driving. You can have the fastest car in the world and still get beat by a car that goes 180 mph. Most people, especially the new people with daddy's money, will gun it and blow a tire within the first 10 or so laps or the engine will overheat and explode.