Being Fearless

15

September 12, 2021

I never felt so alone. I'm not alone but there's a pit deep in my heart that makes me feel empty and useless. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm surrounded by people but I feel alone. So sitting here across from a person who is willing to give me everything, all of their love and affection. They would do anything for me at the drop of a hat and yet I can't seem to find it in me to do the same for them.

It sounds terrible and heartless. Maybe I am. But the endless pit inside of me and the nonstop whispers inside my head saying 'you aren't enough.' 'You will ruin them.' Is enough to make me not want to take the leap.

They already have my shattered heart and slowly he is putting it back together. Piece by piece and a steady hand he is putting so much time and care into rebuilding it.

"What would you like?" His question hadn't even registered in my brain. I was too wrapped up in the what if's inside my head. I could see he knew what was happening inside my head. My furrowed eyebrows and the emptiness behind my eyes. "Just choose for me." It was the only words I could muster. My voice distant and monotone.

I was so lost in my own head that I don't even notice him lightly stroking my palm to pull me out of my trance. My eyes pulled away from the plain white table to look up at him. He didn't look at me with pity or sadness. He just looked at me like he was seeing my so badly damaged soul. "What is going on in your brain?" He didn't sound angry or frustrated. His voice was soft and light as to not spook me.

I can see in his eyes that he loves me even if he himself doesn't know. I've seen it for a while but I didn't want to accept it. I couldn't bring myself to let him fall in love with me and get hurt. We weren't supposed to be together, I was supposed to die that day. I was never supposed to be anything more than a cross on the road or a empty grave stone with no flowers and dead grass. No one loved me or cared about me. The only time people showed interest in me was when they wanted something from me. Alex wasn't like that though, he wanted me even before he knew how fucked up I was.

Every time I catch a glimpse of the love in his eyes it leaves a burn in my throat and my heart clenches. He try's so hard, he loves me so much but I push him away every chance I get. It's getting harder to stay away from him. I was never supposed to have sex with him. I was never supposed to have two dogs with him. None of this was supposed to happen. I was never supposed to love him. But I do.

"Just thinking." He was looking at me with those big blue eyes. He looked at me like I was the only thing for miles. His eyes followed my every movement in curiosity. "What are you thinking about?" How to stop loving you.

"The next mission." I lied instead. The words 'I love you' burned my throat like acid. They kept trying to claw there way out but I wouldn't let them. "We have so many more to go. It's kind of exhausting having to do all this shit for Luca. I'm tired of it." I knew he didn't target his words at me but his words cut deeper than they should have. It was true. He was probably exhausted of this cat and mouse game we have been playing. I give in to the urges then the next day I'm back to being could and distant.

"Yeah same." Before he could question my short answer the waiter walk up to take our orders. I spaced out again, my brain going a million miles an hour. Alex forced me to come to this restaurant with him. It was a fancy dress coded place. Dresses and ties. I wasn't meant for a place like this. I was wearing a navy blue dress that went to my mid thigh. The top was tight around my bust but puffed out at my waist. The top was an off the shoulder type. I had black stilettos on my feet and jewelry on my neck. Alex was wearing a navy suit that matched. Everyone looked at us with wide eyes when we walked in, a man covered in tattoos and a girl covered in tattoos. I decided to stop covering them up, we were already being hunted so why not let everyone see me for who I am. We looked like two thugs in a place of the rich.

"You are the most beautiful woman in this entire restaurant." The waiter was long gone by now. Leaving me and Alex alone. "I'm not to sure about that." I tucked a piece on my brown curly hair behind my ear. His fingers stopped tracing random patterns and words on my palm making me look down at his hands. His familiar black nail polish was replaced by a dark green. His hands had various tattoos none the same as another, and rings on his fingers. His fingers gently reached up and gripped my chin to bring my eyes to his. His messy hair falling down over his forehead.

"Trust me darling, there is no one in here that I'd rather be with than you." His accent thick. I loved his accent, it was so unique and it suited him perfectly. I gave him a smile and we fell into meaningless chatter. We talked about any and everything. I learned his favorite color which is purple. I learned that his birthday is October 31st. He told me about his parents and his childhood. His parents died when he was 8 in a car accident, at first he went through foster care but by the time he was 15 no one had adopted him so he went to the streets. He became an average thug kind of like me minus the drugs. He robbed people and jacked cars until he he fucked with a large gang leader.

He told me how the man made him shoot his girlfriend at the time and after just sent him back to the streets and told him that this was just a warning. He also told me how Luca found him crying under a tree during a storm and took him in. He has been with Luca ever since. That was when he was 16.

We ate our food which he got me chicken Alfredo and got himself smoked salmon. It was very good.

"I'm stuffed."I groaned as we were seated in his car. He chuckled and turned the car on. The engine purring to life. "Did you have fun?" I nodded. "Glad you had fun on our first date." He gave me a sly smirk.

"You never said this was a date." I huffed. "I also never said it wasn't a date." I crossed my arms over my chest and turned towards the window. Within seconds I felt the cool metal of his rings and the warmth of his large hand slide onto my thigh. As much as I loved the feeling, I made no reaction. I spotted a donkey on a billboard.

"Hey look," I pointed at it "it's you." He rolled his eyes. "I hate you." He grumbled.

"You love me."

"I do." My heart sped up at what his just said. The look on his face said that he didn't mean to say it either. "I-I'm sorry." I waved him off. "Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I know you aren't ready for that. And I didn't mean to say it. I means it's true, I do love you, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before. But I know you aren't ready." My heart warmed and clenched at the same time.

"You know we can't be together right?" I asked sadly. His expression which was once happy, dropped to glumness.

"I know. Sometimes I just like to hope, you know? Maybe in some other life we are together and happy. Maybe we have two little Elliot's running around causing mayhem." He cracked a smile but I could see in his eyes that he was sad and just trying to make me feel better.

"I-" I love you too "I think they would be little Alex's." I saw it in his eyes, I got his hopes up once again.

Despite his broken spirits, he still gave me a grin.

God I'm so fucked.

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Another update yay!!! My update schedule is shit right now.

This was just kind of like a filler chapter but it also gave you guys a little information about Alex's life before Elliot and before Luca.

Have a good day guys ❤️