Tell me, Naegi

Trust

I regret everything.

I let my guard down, and now Naegi knows how weak I am. 

It must not happen again.

After the long zoo day, we all departed to our dorms and had a peaceful night's rest. Or, I hope everyone else did. I was too busy worrying about how Naegi must see me now. If I couldn't handle a day at the zoo, how can I possibly run a huge cooperation? My thoughts kept me awake before I finally found rest at three in the morning.

~~~~~

Sunday, in my opinion, is the optimal study day. It's right before Monday, which is a major source of annoyance to most people. Not to me. I take the time on Sunday to prepare my mind for the week ahead. 

I started my morning with some tea and a library book. I wasn't sure what the book was about, I just needed something new to read and the cover looked interesting. I really wish I had read the summary though, as it turned out to be a cheesy romance novel. I sigh and place the book down. I suppose I should move to physics instead.

A knock at the door interrupts my thoughts. I have to peek out before answering in case it's Fukawa trying to steal my soap again, but it's Naegi. I release a breath of worry and answer the door. 

"Good morning, Naegi."

"Hey, Togami! Whatcha doin'?" He looks inside my dorm while rocking on his feet.

I huff and open the door wider. "I'm studying. You should do the same."

Naegi rolls his eyes. "On a Sunday? Again?" He laughs but then realizes that I'm being serious. "Well, I was hoping to check on you... but maybe we could study together!" He shrugs as if it's no big deal, but I know him. He really wants me to accept. 

"Fine, come on in," I leave the door open and head back to my cushioned sofa. There are many other seats in my dorm, but I was half hoping that Naegi would sit next to me. He closes the door behind him and sits across from me instead, sitting criss-cross on the armchair.

"What book is that?" Naegi points to the book I had set aside earlier. "Is it any good?"

I chuckle sarcastically. "Hardly. If you consider the epitome of cheesy romance to be good, then it should be an amazing read." 

"Ah. Not much of a romantic fella are ya, huh?" Naegi says, almost to himself. He looks up, revealing a mischievous grin. "Or are you trying to hide something~?"

I sputter. "I'm not! I just have no room for romance in my life, you of all people should know that, Naegi." I make a point of sounding disgusted. It's for his own good.

"Oh." Naegi rubs his neck. "You're right. Sorry, Togami."

"There's no need to be sorry. It's just the way it has to be." I say it with finality while pulling out my physics textbook. I lay it on the table along with some paper and pencils.

"...what if it wasn't?" Naegi looks solemn. "It just sounds so... I don't know, lonely?" His eyes grow wide. "Sorry! I don't want to make you feel bad, I wasn't thinking, that's-"

"No, it's fine Naegi." I try to calm him down. "I have thought of the same thing. It's just my duty to carry on the tradition." I try to act as if it doesn't bother me at all when in reality, it bothers me unlike anything ever has.

"Well, alright." Naegi scoots forward on his chair to get a better look at the textbook. "Besides, you'll get all the ladies, right?" he jokes.

That struck a nerve. I had never told anyone about my feelings towards Naegi before, and I had never had romantic interest in a woman. I had avoided my own sexuality in my mind, as if it would solve any of my problems. Admitting I was gay would crush the whole inheritance system, ruin my whole family! Yet, its not something I can control. And as Naegi says, I was born to 'get all the ladies.'

"Togami? Are- are you okay?" Naegi looks at me quizzically. "You've been reading the same page over and over."

My mouth goes dry. "I'm perfectly fine." I point to the textbook. "We have work to do, remember?"

"If you say so! What scenario are we going over first?" he asks, referring to the page. 

I glance over the printed text. "The third one seems difficult enough. Perhaps... Fuck." I release my head and let it hang over my lap and avoid Naegi's gaze. 

Naegi almost jumps. I rarely curse, and it's not something he's ever heard from me. "Togami?"

"I-I.." My hands shake slightly and my vision goes a little blurry. "Naegi, I-"

He jumps up from the chair in a heartbeat, rushing over to me. "What do you need. Are you sick? Should I get someone?"

I shake my head. What is with me lately? "Naegi, I'm fine. Its just.. there's something I've never told anyone. If it got out, my life as I know it would be ruined."

Naegi sits down next to me. He is clearly very concerned, and I wonder if it would be a bad idea to tell him what's on my mind. "If its that bad, you don't have to tell me." He says it with such kindness and compassion that I can't take it anymore.

"I'm gay."

"Oh." Naegi says. "OH!" he turns to me and I'm wrapped in his arms again. "That does cause a bit of trouble, doesn't it?

Saying the word out loud took so much out of my system. Slowly I wrap my arms back around my friend, unsure of what I am doing. I, Byakuya Togami, the heir to the Togami Cooperation, have tears in my eyes. "Yes. Yes it does," I whisper. Just thinking of what would happen to me if my family, or anyone else for that matter, found out... it scares me. It would be the worst kind of betrayal for the heir to defy his position. 

And that's why I never will.