Drawn to you // Tsukishima x reader - soulmate AU!

ch 19 - one step forward

One step forward, two steps back.

Those instructions were used in the dance lesson we had in gym class today, but it also doubled as an analogy. That analogy has stuck with me for the rest of the day.

One step forward, two steps back.

That is what is happening. Though, it felt more like a sprint and then a retreat. And with this plaguing analogy stuck on loop in my head a slow and creeping doubt is taking over.

We've taken the step forward and now it's like we have taken a half step back (not a full step, a half one). I need to stop it from going any further. But could I? What if this was all my doing in the first place. Have I done something wrong? How could I have done something wrong if I haven't done anything? Was I because I've done nothing? No, no, it is not like I'm doing nothing nothing. Just the same as all before. Nothing new. Maybe that's what's wrong. There is nothing new. I've made him bored and he's casting me aside. Or was I going too fast? In the end did we go too fast? I don't know how to relationship. I'm not good at this. I-

My phone is clenched tightly in my grip, the vibrations from it scare me out of my doubts.

New Message:

Thanks. The colours on my hands look just like the sunset. I can wait to see what you are painting next.

Cast me aside? Pffff- I'm such an idiot.

I'll let you see it, if I actually finish this one.

I type out another message. A question. One that is asked every weekend and every holiday. I could type it and send it with my eyes closed. But this time I type it out and hesitate. The doubts creep back into my mind. Before I could let them stop me, I press send.

I'm free this weekend, you?

I felt fear. It was sudden and it wasn't coming from me. It was the kind of fear that kept you in a bubble, secluded, with emotional walls surrounding you and your feelings. It all simply confused me. Sure I'm doubting myself, but I am not fearful. I don't know why I'd be feeling this way and I don't often feel the need to hide in on myself. But I know someone who does.

He still wants me, right?

I should talk to Mai, she'll tell me how stupid this is all and that I'm fine.

I am not fine.

I spot Mai as soon as I enter the art room. Sitting at her canvas, peacefully painting away. I'm about to ruin her peace.

"I can't relationship. I don't know what I'm doing." I whine, dramatically draping myself over her from behind.

She only sighs, "What stupid lies are you feeding yourself this time?"

(She, I knew she'd tell me that it's stupid.)

"I just - I don't know. What am I doing wrong?"

"What could possibly be wrong? You were all lovey-dovey when you were not-boyfriend and not-girlfriend."

"It's like, we were making progress, we were great. The mutual pining, the unbearable longing. We got what we wanted, we got each other. And now he's pulling back, or I am. I don't know, I'm bad at this."

"You are soulmates, It's going to work out fine in the end." She shrugs me off, I grab a seat next to her.

"That's some shitty advice. Thanks" The sarcasm dripping from my voice is thick.

"Seriously," She turns in her seat to face me, all joking aside, "why do you think there is a problem? What is prompting you to come crying to me?"

"I think he's scared of something. I just feel fear, and I know it's not me. I think it's him."

"Well, you know the whole communication-is-important thing. You think something is wrong, ask him. You won't know unless he tells you. Or else you will keep second guessing yourself and it will become your ruin."

"You haven't even been in a relationship, how are you so good at this?"

"It's called 'i watch too many cartoons that end up giving really good relationship advice'." She turns back to her work and after a few seconds, she pauses. "Wait, you can feel his emotions?"

"Yes?" I guess, not actually thinking though this before, "Not always, not often. It's happened maybe two other times? I don't think the soulmate connection is just ink and pain anymore. There is something more, the connection is deeper. I think it mostly happens with more extreme emotions or when we are trying to reach out to each other."

"Wow, how lucky." Mai says, voice almost pained. We both know how much she has tried to reach out to her soulmate. "To have a connection that deep. It can't be common. I didn't even know... Wait, why am I only hearing about this now?"

"I never really thought about it before. It all just felt natural, nothing I really needed to contemplate."

A soft smile forms on my friend's lips, a confused one on mine. Another vibration from my phone snaps me out of my confusion.

New Message:

Same here, can't wait to see you.

I didn't even register the smile that grew on my face as I looked to my phone.

"I think you will be just fine, y/n."

{Pttsss - hey. I went and added something in ch1 so that ppl who don't read the book summary don't get confused abt the soulmate rules I have in this world. So if you want, go read it. - Jan 22} {also, can someone give me some good music to listen to?}