Drawn to you // Tsukishima x reader - soulmate AU!

ch 18 - bliss and ruin

[part 3 - build me up and tear me down]

"Tsukki, you've been practicing for a while. It's Saturday. You should go see (l/n)-"

"The nationals are coming up soon. I need to be ready." The response came out as fast as my defense mechanisms kick in.

Yamaguchi sighs and continues trying to reason with his stubborn friend, "But it's been almost a week since you've seen her. You really should-"

"We are keeping in contact. And she knows I'm busy keeping up with practice. She's also busy with her art."

"Ya, I've noticed." Yams points out my colour covers hands. They are a constant reminder of her. It's both comforting and not.

Something has changed.

It's as if I've come to the end of a tunnel. Before I could only see what's at the end and it was her. But now the tunnel vision has cleared, it's no longer an one way track. I'm out of the tunnel, the walls are down and I can see so much more. And it scares me.

Our three on three game is almost over. Tanaka, Suga and I are sorely losing to the insane duo's quick attacks. What I would do to be able to shut down those attacks. Kageyama's got the ball. He's gonna use Hinata. Another quick. I see the short, orange haired boy, dash across the court. I go to block but the ball flies right by my face. I was too slow.

There was something I never realized, as I became infatuated with (y/n), it was the growing sensation of love.

Love, the power of love. Not the cheesy kid's show 'power of love, it's unstoppable' kinda thing. Rather it's the opposite. How it becomes your weakness and demise. How love becomes a hole in your defense and can absolutely wreck you in the easiest ways. How love has been used in all the wrong way and has left many as a shell of who they once had been. It's a double edged sword of pure bliss and absolute ruin.

"You ok Tsukishima? Need a break?" Suga's voice was full of motherly concern.

"I'm fine." I wish I could've said that truthfully.

"Ok then. You'll get them next time!" Suga smiles and pats my back, well it was more of a slap. Oh dear, (y/n) will feel that one.

I know I'm setting myself up for weakness and pain. I want to pull back. Investing myself this deeply can lead to us getting hurt so easily. I didn't allow myself to love volleyball. I saw the pain that can come from giving something your all. The pain that comes from failure, the failure that comes even after you gave it your all. I don't know how I let myself so easily love. Even when I know it can so easily lead to heartbreak. But I'm rushing in, head first and I don't see the breaks anywhere and there is nothing I can do but brace myself for the pain that's paired with love.

I practice away my day. My fingers are sore, my arms where bruised and my hands are probably permanently red at this point. The sun is falling from the sky. Pinks and oranges colour the evening.

"Wow it's a beautiful evening." Yamaguchi says, stepping out from the locker room making his way to where I was waiting for him.

I don't reply, I just watch the skies.

"Hey look, the sunset is the same colours as the paint." He says looking to the paint on my hands then back up trying to compare the colours.

I hold a pink and orange paint littered hand up to the sky.

"They are."

It's weird, how my guard was completely down with her. How I didn't hesitate to give my all to her. She already had all of me from day one, how did I not see that until now? It's terrifying. How much control she has, how much she could hurt me. And yet she doesn't, and I know she won't. Then why do I still have my guard up, why is it all still so terrifying?

"See you on Monday Tsukki!" Yamaguchi says as he approaches his house. "You should see (l/n) tomorrow." On that note he disappeared into his house.

The first thing I did when I got home was flop onto my bed. The soreness of my overworked muscles catching up with me. I could fall asleep right here.

I was now when I remembered something I've somehow forgotten. Something I told myself every time one of my brothers girlfriends stormed out of the house, every time I found my dad sleeping on the couch, every time Yamaguchi stayed the night at my place because his parents yelling was too loud and wasn't going to stop any time for him to get sleep.

'Don't fall in love.' That's what I told myself. That was one of the reasons we stopped looking for each other all those years ago, I often didn't put in the effort. I was scared.

It's weird, when did I stop telling myself that? When did I forget my fears?

Ding~

New message:

Wow you practiced hard today. I can feel it in my hands. Keep up the good work!

It doesn't matter when it stopped. I don't think I'll ever tell myself that again. It wouldn't work.