I walk to the borders on my own
To fall in the water just like a stone
Chilled to the marrow in them bones
Why do I go here all alone.
-
She was sad today, ocean, i could see it as she plucked cigarette after cigarette out of the box. she wasn't talking to me and the silence was gnawing at my insides.
"ocean, what happened?"
No answer.
"ocean please."
She turns her eyes to me and stays silent, breathing in more and more smoke.
She puts out her cigarette and walks towards the edge.
Picking up a stone from the ground, she examines it and throws it below, into the abyss.
And after a few seconds, a splash is heard and ocean faces towards me and says,
"Did you hear that sound? that will be the sound you will hear when i fall into the water just like that stone and i hope you come after me into oblivion."
And as she finishes, she turns around and starts walking the way of her house and i know i should have stopped her but my body stays frozen and cold as the last sentence keeps echoing in my head.
The next night when i walk up to the river, ocean isn't there and i stand at the border,
it's much foggier than usual and the wind is colder than ever.
Goosebumps rise on my arms and i am sure my marrow is frozen for the first time.
I try to remember the colour of ocean's eyes and the softness of her skin but it just can't reach my mind.
It was almost as if she wasn't real and perhaps she wasn't, perhaps she was just a figment of my imagination.
And as that thought goes through my mind, a laugh echoes in my mind but my lips are shut tight.
I sit down on the damp grass and drown myself in thoughts of suicide and hatred towards the one who made me the person i am today; myself.
I don't see ocean for months after that night.
I try to contact her and even go to her house only to find the door locked.
I gave up after three weeks but i still went to the river every night to bask in loneliness and sadness and went back when the sun rose up.
Every night i laid on my dusty bed, searching for sleep and i often questioned myself why i always went to that damned place all alone.
A year later was when i saw her by the river.
Her hair was short and her eyes had lost all the light and her bones seemed as if they would crack and break under the lightest amount of pressure.
She flinched when i touched her hand and i took that as a cue to ask her what had happened to her.
She replied after six minutes and shook as she told me that i was bad for her and that i didn't deserve a person like her.
She told me she wanted to protect me from the evils of my mind and bring light to my gloomy days but her sternum was cracked and her fingers were cold and she could not give me what i seek.
She told me to let her go, that she wasn't worth my tears that i let out at 2am.
What i didn't tell her was that i had already let her go a long time ago when she failed to be here with me.
Ours wasn't a love story to say the least.
This was neither a movie nor a novel where the lovers both find their way to each other, this was the real world and humans die trying to forgive and to forget in this world.
Love couldn't heal wounds, only time could.
-
I was told that ocean dove into the water and stayed there for a long time.
They said she was just another one to drown in the river.
My body shook and my mouth failed to stop screaming and i was sure i had lost my mind for a girl who only cared so little.
They told me she laughed as she flew for a few and i wondered what went through her mind the moment she hit the cold water.
They didn't find her and i was almost glad.
I wasn't ready to see my ocean with no colour in her skin and no smile set on her tiny face.
She ruined my life just as she made it better.
She was my devil within my angel and she made my arteries burst and my bones implode and i wasn't entirely sure if i was grateful.
