S T A L K E R

6

"Val your mom's here, say bye bye to Carter." I loathe moments like these. Two hours from now they'll forget why they were so worked up but for now my eardrums have to pay the ultimate price.  The door opens and Sam struts in with, the little girl still grips Carter's hands as her mother is lifting her. I hate to see them like this but it's not like they won't see each other again. I use to be like this with my cousin, Peta-Gaye, every summer I would go to St. Andrew with her and get to go to all the attractions we didn't have in the country. We'd go to the movies, have sleepovers and pretend we were those pretty rich girls in the magazines  and movies. Life then was so much easier, I didn't have any worries, besides what I wanted for dinner or any stress to overcome.

Everything was fine before my mother started chasing the foreign life. My father left us when I was born for his own selfish reasons when he found a way to finance the life he wanted. He found some tourist who was infatuated with him and got married. After he got his residency they divorced . My mother was still infatuated with the foreign life and in the summer of 2000 she left. My grandmother took me in and everything was great. Besides the beatings I'd get every other day which was borderline abuse- life was perfect.

She stayed and worked a little under the guise of being a tourist then found small jobs until somehow by the worst possible luck she found my father again. I didn't know why but when she brought him back to Jamaica after they married something about him didn't sit right with me. My mother was so giddy and unaware she didn't even pay attention to the way he looked at me when we were alone. She didn't care that her only child at the time was scared of her own father. Not once did she question the weird marks on my skin or my closed off- ness. As long as that green card was in her hand everything was great.

My grandma didn't like him. She did everything in her power to minimize our interaction but with time her body deteriorated; age is a cruel lover. There wasn't anyone to protect me again, no one to give me comfort or a feeling of safety. I was just a child. Grandma passed March 17,2009, I've never been the same since. She was my first love, my first image of what a powerful woman was. She did everything for everyone to feel comfortable and welcome. When she passed I went mute, no one and nothing could make me talk. It played in his favor, no one would believe that he's harm his own child.

There are just something's you wouldn't expect from a parent. Somethings you would expect from a person but he was neither, I've never met anyone as sick and depraved as him. I've never seen what it looked like to be controlled by darkness's before, until I met him. His eyes are empty and soulless. They'd have to be, no one can have bright happy eyes and do the things he has. I look at Carter and Val now and wonder, how can someone do this to a child. They're so pure and harmless.

"Mama nooo!" Valerie is kicking and wriggling in her mother's hands until she just gives up and throws both arms around her neck and sobs. I used to be like this with my cousin. Even though we lived a house apart it was like we'd never see each other again once it was night time and we'd have to go home.

"You can see him tomorrow Valerie-" she mumbles rocking her back and forth.

"Not tomorrow, I won't be here" I don't want her having a reason to be around me anymore than usual. I need some space right now.

"Oh okay" her face is downcast just like Val's. She's so dependent on me it's scary. At one point I found it so endearing but now it's annoying. Slowly I'm getting repulsed by her. Every sentence she utters annoys me and I start looking at her like she's garbage. I hoped she would've caught on by now but she still thinks I have feelings. My initial entanglement with her was just that. A stupid fling that got me a promotion.

"Where are you going?" What? She's biting her bottom lip and staring at me expectantly. My business doesn't concern her. It's pathetic how much she think she's valued by me. I don't owe her anything, all this has got me is frustration and constant headaches. The way she's headed I might end up in discovery ID.