Ninjago Angst Week

Future

I'm on a roll here. And I'm also very (not) creative with chapter names.

This is the last one for Ninjago Angst Week! It's short, but it's sweet. I really enjoyed writing this one especially. Also, uh, some trigger warnings for mention of suicide.

I DO NOT OWN NINJAGO.

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The monastery was quiet. Painfully quiet. There were no laughter, no roughhousing, no playful conversations. It was as if no one else besides him had ever lived in it, even as he hung up pictures of his family. Pictures of long ago. Pictures of when they were still happy and alive. But every time he looked at those pictures, a stab of pain shot through his heart, because he knew that no matter what, they would never come back. What used to be moments of joy were now memories of the past, memories of what could have been.

Lloyd traced a finger over one of the picture frames, a sad smile playing at his lips, taking in all the details, all the faces of his brothers and sister.

Jay.

The bright blue eyes of his talkative, energetic brother grinned at him through the photo, as if he were still here, telling him that everything would be alright. Look on the bright side, he'd always said.

Except Lloyd couldn't. How could he be positive when all his family were dead? When everything he ever loved and knew were gone? He knew that he shouldn't dwell on their deaths, that he'd join them sometime later anyway, that he'd just have to wait, but he couldn't wait because then he'd have to wait thousands of years just to die, and he knew that his family would kill him if he went to the Departed Realm much too early, so how— how could he—

Lloyd choked back a sob as tears sprang to his eyes. His eyes, normally bright green and filled with life, were now dull and dead with grief.

Cole.

His strong and sweet brother had an arm slung over Zane in the picture, grinning like nothing was ever wrong. He'd be telling him to continue with life, telling him that he was stronger than he thought, that he shouldn't let their deaths prevent him from moving on.

And he tried. Lloyd tried to move on, tried to put a smile on his face. He even tried to find someone to settle down with, but the pain of betrayal, the pain of another death in his life was too much, so he gave up. Because he didn't want to grow close with someone knowing that he'd outlive them. Like he'd outlived the others.

Kai.

Kai, his reckless, insane, protective brother. The one who always told him not to die. The one who told him that he would always be here with him. But he wasn't, and Lloyd was alone. Because not even his invincible brother was invincible to death, especially since he was completely human after all.

More than often, Lloyd wished that Kai hadn't protected him so vigilantly, so that he might die sooner, so that he wouldn't have to be the last one alive on the team.

But he was. And nothing could change that.

Nya.

The only girl on the team, yet so headstrong and brave. She'd been the first to understand him, the first to accept him for who he was, and just like— just like Kai, she was the older sibling he'd never had. And now she was dead. Dead, gone. Not even her stubbornness prevented her from dying of old age.

Lloyd gave a short, bitter laugh as he imagined how she'd react if she saw him sulking over her death, staring at the pictures for almost the entire day, every day. She'd be furious, but still, he couldn't bring himself to pull away.

Zane.

He was one of the last to leave, but even nindroids didn't last forever. It wasn't the first time the ice ninja had died, but it was the first time that he'd wanted to stay dead. His source of energy finally gave out, decades—almost centuries—of living taking a toll on his old titanium body. Lloyd remembered his last words as the nindroid unplugged himself, his icy blue eyes—warm yet cold all at once—staring into his.

"Do not fear, brother," Zane had said softly, pressing a hand to Lloyd's chest, right where his heart was. "You will never be alone. We will always be right here with you."

Lloyd lowered his gaze toward the hand on his heart, and he swallowed, covering the hand with his own. "I— I don't know if I can—"

"You can," the nindroid said quietly, but firmly, his other hand already undoing all the wires in him.

Shaking his head furiously, Lloyd tried to stop his brother from unplugging himself, but to no avail. As he reached the last important wire, Zane took a deep—though unnecessary—breath, and right before he turned himself permanently off, he whispered, "We'll be waiting."

Lloyd jerked himself out of his trance, his breath heaving in gasps. His grip on the picture loosened, and it fell out of his hands, landing on the floor with a horrible, splintering crack! He grabbed at his chest as tears cascaded down his cheeks, ugly sobs emitting from his lips.

With a wavering hand, Lloyd slowly picked up the now broken picture frame, and he could see his soft reflection on it—still young as ever, while his siblings had already been dead and weathered with age.

He squeezed his eyes shut. It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. How was it fair that he was allowed to live when everything he knew was dead? Why was he still alive, dammit, why couldn't he just die already—

Briefly he wondered if he could just jump off the mountain that the monastery was on, and he choked back another sob as he imagined how his siblings would respond to that. Even now, he could still feel them with him, scolding him for even thinking about that, and yet, it still felt like he was alone.

Everyone seemed to end up leaving me alone at some point, Lloyd thought bitterly, clutching the picture frame closer to his heart. It was always the same: everyone would grow close to him, promise that they'd never leave him, and Lloyd—stupid, stupid Lloyd—would believe every single word of it, grasping onto every strand of hope, only for that hope to shatter into a million pieces as they all abandoned him yet again.

But this time, they didn't even want to leave him. This time, they were waiting for him. Waiting for him to join them.

Lloyd opened his mouth, and screamed. A scream filled of sorrow and regret, a scream that mourned and grieved the lost lives of his family. He collapsed to the floor, still clutching the picture like a lifeline, his body shaking as the tears openly fell. He didn't even notice as the broken pieces of glass nicked his skin, didn't notice the small pinpricks of blood seeping from the cuts, didn't feel the slight pain as he let his head thump on the floor. All that he knew was the grief as it drowned him, filling his very core as he sobbed shamelessly.

"I'm sorry," Lloyd gasped. He didn't know who or what he was apologizing for, but he didn't care. He just wanted to be with his family. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Finally, after what seemed like ages, the tears ceased to fall, the sobs stopping with a stuttering halt, and Lloyd was left gasping for breath, curling inward. He forced himself to look at the picture once more, forced himself to trace a hand over the faces of his family, and he promptly burst into tears again.

For the first time in his life, Lloyd hated his dragon heritage. He'd always thought it was the better side of him, always thought that was what made him able to fight against the Oni blood, but now . . . now he hated it for keeping him alive.

If only he wasn't alone. If only he wasn't alive. If only he was human.