she was different.
her blue eyes. her dimpled cheeks. her green and black hair. her tattoos, her nose piercing that glistened in the light. she didn't smile often, but when she did, it was mostly around me. she protected me, she understood me, she l...
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k a y l a n i
it's been a month.
i'm no longer a junior. it's summer time before my senior year.
after my suicide attempt, billie stayed with me. i told my moms and they got a therapist for me. i went to go see her every wednesday and this is my fourth time seeing her. our sessions are 1 hour and 30 minutes long, and billie always comes pick me up after.
her and i are still not together. we haven't kissed, flirted, none of that. she's been by my side all the time and she promised to help me and she is helping me. but, i don't wanna be broken up with her. i want her. i love her.
"so, how are you feeling today kaylani? today marks a month since you came to see me for the first time," my therapist, doctor martinez said to me.
i like her. she's nice to me and she isn't that type of therapist to rush me to speak or tell me to suck it up. she tells me everything will be okay, gives me the best advice.
"i'm feeling okay. i turn 17 next month.." i responded, feeling the heavy weight on my chest. "on my birthday..it marks a year..a year since.."
"i know," she responded softly. "i'm proud of you. i've seen a lot of growth during these visits. also today, you have an appointment with your doctor. they want to take some tests. you said you suffer from anxiety right? and you have anxiety attacks and panic attacks?"
"yeah. but, what kind of tests?" i asked.
"for any other mental illnesses. like depression," she said and i let out a shaky breath. "it's okay though. you have family and friends..including me, who will be here with you through every step of the way. i've dealt with people with every type of mental illness, and i suffered through anxiety and depression myself,"
"i know i'm supposed to be the one asking questions and you ask questions .. but, how did you get through your anxiety and depression?" i questioned her.
"that's no problem," she chuckled. "i still have anxiety, i don't think that's something that's going to ever go away. but, when i was younger, i grew up in the bad side of puerto rico. i suffered through a lot of losses..i didn't know i was depressed. i was depressed for a few years and then my parents and i came to america, went to the doctors and they took some tests and found out i was depressed. my parents took it as a joke,"
"what?" i exclaimed.
"kaylani, not everybody is blessed with such amazing parents like yours, and i mean that in no disrespectful way," she replied and i nodded. "but, some hispanic or latino parents don't take depression seriously, which hurts. so every time i was sad, they would tell me to stop acting fake depressed. but, the way that got me through it is, i started doing things i wanted to do..like my goals. i started making friends, friends that i know would motivate me and keep me pushing. i did things i couldn't do and i learned to do. i just filled myself with a lot of happiness and i also just used to leave the house just to take a walk, or sit at the park. go to different places, learn new things and different things.."
