Music is My Lover

Chapter 11: Unrequited Love

As you sat with your now cold coffee, you tried to process what had just happened. After a month an a half you'd seen Yoongi walking by the coffee shop and you had hurried to stop him to finally talk to him and apologize for your behavior.

He was cold and distant and the last thing you would have thought, specially considering how angry he looked, was that he'd kiss you. Where had that come from? Why would he do that? And then he walked out in a hurry and disappeared in an instant even if you followed him right after you could come back to your senses.

You reviewed your interaction with him in your head, you never got the idea that he was interested in that way in the slightest. Granted he wasn't particularly open around you, but you were so confused. You had never thought of him in that way. You wondered for how long he had felt like that. Why did he even want to kiss you of all people?

Sure he had always been the cute shy guy to you. His features were sharp but somewhat soft and his eyes were penetrating but alluring. You had to admit to yourself that you found him attractive. He was very talented, you had come to find that he was heavily involved in most of the songwriting, not just part of it.

You had liked his vocals since he inadvertently sang as he listened to music, but his rapping was powerful and he really owned it. The confidence he radiated on stage and his presence were actually pretty hot.

The music he composed though, that was your favorite part, being able to transform something tangible like your poems into intangible melodies was mind blowing to you. And he did it beautifully.

But how did that matter if you had casually come across him and you had no way of contacting him. You wondered if he walked past the café often. He was always early, so maybe you should drop by earlier and try to see him?

It sounded silly though, just sitting there looking out the window hoping he would randomly show up. Yet you didn't know what else to do, you couldn't just not talk about this. He couldn't just do that and disappear, that was cruel. You still didn't understand why he left, why bother doing that if you don't plan to stay or show up again?

It seemed unlikely that he would come by again. You resolved you would show up earlier next week and hoped he'd either walk past the shop or come in to get his coffee. You were frustrated and starting to feel annoyed. He was such a coward, how dare he do something like that and walk away?

Yoongi plopped on the couch at his studio and groaned as he let his arms and legs hang from the side. He regretted having kissed you, it meant nothing to you and it only left him feeling worse than before. Just a taste of nothing he could have.

How would he get over it now? Had it confirmed he was doing the right thing? In a way, yes, because he had realized this was a one sided interest. But he craved more now. He felt his heart ache and he had to admit he was sad, it hurt.

He was embarrassed too. He wasn't good at interpreting and expressing feelings, that was something he only could deliver through music. What did he think when he thought you might like him as more than a friend? How would he know? He was upset and he felt stupid for it. He had brought all of this onto himself.

Just deal with it, Yoongi. It's your fault and you are responsible for it, he told himself. He got up from the couch and dragged his feet to his desk's chair. The best way in which he handled things was immersing himself into his work, so that's exactly what he did.

That week he got ahead of all his deadlines, but that meant little sleep, forgetting about eating, a whole lot of scolding from Jin and worrying the members. He simply didn't want to hear it, he needed it to cope. Maybe it wasn't the healthiest though, he considered as he weighed himself and noticed that these last few weeks he had lost a considerable amount of weight.

He usually ate just to survive. Yoongi bought himself something appealing, galbi, hoping he'd feel more enticed to eat. When he was stressed though, it's not only that he forgot to eat, but he also lost his appetite. He got some snacks as well to keep in his studio.

Yoongi picked on his food as he was deep in thought, resting his cheek on the fist of his propped up elbow. He looked quite pitiful. "Yoongi hyung" Tae sat next to him and smiled ready to cheer him up "can I get your opinion on the songs for my mixtape?" he figured he could try to get his mind off his worries and get some help at the same time.

"Sure" he said and shoved a whole bunch of meat in his mouth, he wasn't sure if he was up for a full conversation. Taehyung shared his doubts and explained his goals to Yoongi and he listened carefully as he took one bite after another keeping his mouth busy. At least there was something positive about the distraction, he thought.

When he was done he followed his dongsaeng and they reviewed his songs together. He was grateful. Taehyung could be overbearing sometimes when he tried to keep his spirits up, but this kind of attention helped him for a few hours. "Thank you hyung" Tae said with a box smile and hugged him. He patted his back with a small smile.

Yoongi left early, since he was ahead of schedule and he could use some sleep. He arrived at the dorms and felt bored already, but he would be asleep in no time. He laid on his bed and couldn't help but think about you now that he had nothing else to focus on.

There was nothing he could do, if you weren't interested, you weren't interested and that was it. He might not be good at interpreting emotions, but your face expressed clearly how unsettling that kiss was to you. You weren't just surprised and you even took your hand away when that was your own initiative. He felt sick in the pit of his stomach.

He couldn't keep denying his feelings, they weren't going away just like that as much as he wanted them to. Specially now since they were not reciprocated. He hadn't felt this way in a long time, and even with his ex-girlfriend from forever ago, he knew he should have done better. This was over and he didn't even have a chance.

Yoongi got up from the bed and grabbed a notebook and pen, just pouring out everything onto the page in an attempt to make his heart feel a little lighter. He set them down on his night-table and pulled the comforter over himself hoping that would let him sleep.

He had no intentions of chasing after you, he wasn't going to force you into anything. But you had different plans and you were hoping they were going to work. You were stubborn and determined enough to not leave your questions unanswered.

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