Ashes to Ashes | A Kylo Ren Story

13. So Much Angst

Life on The supremacy became a routine, neither morning nor exciting, only variable in your training, where you moved between combat with the Knights and learning the ways of the force with The Supreme Leader.

"The ways of the force" Stars how pretentious

Kylo Ren became a constant, he was distant, during the day at least, proceeding steadily with your training, and you progressed as such, leaning how to use the force to jump higher, fight better and move quicker.

But at night, the nightmares came.

And they were vicious, alternating between the whippings you received as a child and the killings you made on the battle field.

But worst of all the the dying trooper in your arms, the helplessness to felt as you failed to save her, failed to console her.

Failed to even know her name.

Her name.

Not every night, and not always with enough force to wake you.

When you awoke screaming there was only one person who could console you.

Him, damn the stars you had tried everything, sedation from the Medbay, which Kylo had begrudgingly allowed you to take only after you practically begged.

But it only increased the length of the nightmares, and when Kylo finally managed to shake you awake you vomited everything in your stomach into the refresher.

He made you sleep in his bed after that-

"Don't you want me to wake you, Little Rebel?" He had jabbed, his voice so harsh and deep that you could feel it rumble from his chest as he carried you back to his bed, ignoring your weak protests and squirms. You were no fool, you knew he had an ulterior motive in moving you into his bed, although he showed only a stoic reluctance as he calmed you in his arms .

He was all you had now.

But when you woke up, it was back to the distance, you didn't mind, the nights were emotionally draining enough to make you numb, and dealing with mood-swings from him would only tire you further.

During the day you were the honed warrior you knew you had to become, training with The Supreme Leader and building relationships with The Knights, who had all taken to you as their protege as well as their Master's, and they seemed intent on making you a mini them.

Kylo had not mentioned you last night of the Wookie Planet, and you had kept it off your mind when around him, just incase. You could have sworn however, that light in his eyes you had seen when he kissed you, was starting to make a home in his eyes.

-Kylo Ren-

She doesn't even have a name.

Stars and he'd called her nothing. He'd seen the the look of pain that flashed across her face, and the untamed anger that followed and thought her a petulant child throwing a tantrum. He knew what it was to not be seen, to be abandoned.

This is what he had been aiming for, this is what he'd planned, she was so reliant on him, she needed him.

But it didn't feel as good as he'd hoped, he felt that pang in his chest each time he had to wrench her from sleep, only to pull her close to him and lull her back into its embrace. Guilt.

So he held her, he shushed her, he cradled her and even let her have a lie in occasionally. He enjoyed the reliance. But the pain she felt, the sadness and fear it encroached on him, it wormed its way into his mind, it was as if her pain was seeping into him, seeking through her pores and being absorbed by his, he hadn't felt like this, he couldn't feel like this.