Coming Home

#8: Past and Panic

Part 8

Sophie~

Coming home was one thing. Seeing the roads and the spots that I knew from my childhood was another thing. But hearing that voice, before I could even steel myself enough to leave the car. That was another level of difficulty.

"Well, look who finally came home"

It wasn't that I didn't want to hear it. I had missed it, all of it. Of course I did, I mean for a very long time that voice was all I knew. It was my sanctuary from anything scary in this world. But it was also the voice that reminded me of my worst moments here. - "What do you mean she's dead" my face was stone cold and unwavering. "It was just a few minutes ago, they called me." "no, no that's not right. That can't be right. I was there just a minute ago. She was fine. She was fine!"- Spencer's hand squeezed mine when he noticed my eyes were closed as I began to lose myself in panic inducing memories.

"Hey, you back with me?" After hearing his voice I took a shaky breath and nodded.

"I'm here." My door was open, as was his, and I unbuckled myself but waited just a minute, unsure of how I would feel getting out. A few tears escaped and I quickly wiped them away and shook my head, attempting to force myself out of my thoughts.

"Are you going to hug me or what?" that voice again, the voice I knew, a voice I could never forget as it's so close to my own. I ran towards her and failed to notice the tears that went down my cheeks as I ran.

Her embrace was warm. The embrace only an older sister can give. Close to that a mother but almost with more understanding.

"Spence, this is my sister-" I stopped to wipe some tears from my cheek and to turn towards him where he was still sitting in the car, staring at me and Lu.

"Lu, this is Spencer."

Spencer~

Even from the car with my eyes half closed I could tell they were close. Even after she broke away to turn to me, they stood shoulder to shoulder, clearly missing the others comforting touch. I waved from my seat and looked at Sophie's face. It was contorted into a look of pain forced into a small smile. I don't know where her mind was, but one thing for sure, it wasn't here. Not in this moment. Maybe not even in this place, but I had a feeling that it was in the one moment she wouldn't share with me.

"It's uh, nice to meet you, finally. I've heard lots about you" not quite a lie. She would tell me stories about her siblings, mostly her brother whom I have met a few times. She would tell me stories from when she was young, always seeming to leave out details that would leave any of them too vulnerable. Her brother lived in DC, he was older than the both of us by seven years. I had come to know how close he was with her only after I saw them together the first time. The way they looked to each other was like they were constantly afraid of losing the other.

"So, someone wants to help me out?" I unbuckled myself and the both of them walked over to me to help. I looked up after they had half carried me out of the car and opened my mouth to start small talk, but was cut off by a tiny shake of the head and a glare from Sophie. Enough to tell me that "now is not the time" so I kept my mouth shut, choosing instead to watch the microexpressions on the two of their faces. The little moves they both made were practically identical. The little flares of the nostrils that I knew Soph always did when she was about to cry were mirrored exactly in her sister.

"Thanks Lu, but you can uh, head home. I got it from here"

"You know I'm not leaving, not until-"

"Please. Not today. Please." I stayed silent as I sat on the couch in their large living room. There was something she didn't want to discuss, that I knew for sure. With every second that she stayed in this room she stiffened. The room was filled with happy looking pictures of the five of them. Some when they were little but also pictures as recent as a few months ago when Sophie and I met with her Brother for lunch.

"Fine. not today. But I'm not leaving. Matt can take care of the kids for now, I'll stay in my old room. You'll need the help anyways"

The look on the both of their faces was one I recognized from living with Sophie. Her stubbornness reflected back to her from her sister. Both refusing to move from their stance until the other submitted to defeat. Finally Sophie sat on the couch beside me and nodded her head without saying a word. Her sister, Lu, left the room and walked down the stairs, presumably heading to her room.

Sophie~

I knew she'd push me to talk. But I couldn't. It was taking all I had in me not to jump up from the couch and run as far as I can from this place.

"So, you going to tell me what that was about? Or am I just going to have to put it together myself?"

"You're the profiler here remember? How 'bout you guess?"

"Okay, i'll leave it alone. But only if you promise me that you don't beat yourself up about whatever it is. Okay?"

"Okay"

I stopped talking and pulled my knees up to my chest hugging them with my arms before releasing them to lay sideways on the couch, my head resting gently on Spence's good shoulder. I focused on his breathing. Remembering the first time I saw him after he was shot. His breath was even now, so unlike then. That first night seeing him struggling to breathe took my own breath away.

He took his one hand and rubbed my back. Knowing he was the only thing keeping me from a massive breakdown, I'm sure.

"Hey, it's going to be okay."

"How? How? If I can't even talk to you about it, the one person who I trust to keep me safe? To keep me happy? If I can't tell you, how am I supposed to live with that?"

He was silent for a moment, not knowing what to say.

"You won't have to be alone anymore."

A simple answer. An easy one. But he's right, I'm not alone this time. But that won't make it any easier. 

~~~~~

all done updating for today, I promise!!

*I do not own any CM characters