ALONE.. Remus sanders angst||completed

chapter one||first day alone

Tw: censored cursing, lots and lots angst

Now there's only one. One dark side remains. I'm the only one left.

I look down at a note that was taped on the wall, where Janus's room was supposed to be. His door was gone. He moved on. I wipe off my tears that are streaming down my face. It's no use. They come back faster than I can wipe them. Still trying to wipe the tears running down my face, I slowly start to trudge to my room. Re-reading the note again and again. Over and over, engraving every single word in my brain.

Dear, Remus

I'm sorry that I have to go but I've finally been accepted and was invited to live with the light sides. I hope that you understand that Thomas needs me there so I couldn't stay here. I was going to tell you in person but you seemed busy and it was getting late. I thought a note would be better than nothing so I wrote this. I hope you understand that there is no good reason to hate me even though I know you hate being alone, but Thomas is far more important than that right now.

With all honesty, Janus

Tears fall faster after every time I read it, my trudge starts becoming a walk.

Then a jog, then a run, then a sprint. I finally make it back to my room and slam the door shut. I crumple up the note and toss it to the trash can, but missing the can. Feeling drained, I throw myself on my bed and roll over. I stare at the ceiling of my still dark room, my eyes red and puffy with my purple eyeshadow still running down my face.

There was nothing that I hated more than being alone. It almost scared me. I could die here and no one would even know. I don't really fear anything but if I had a fear it would be this. Loneliness was getting to my brain. Thoughts fill my head. Fear in my mind.

I lay there shaking and crying for what could have been hours. I wasn't keeping track of time. Time felt like it was going so fast yet terribly slow at the same time. My tears finally running out, I pick up my phone and check the time. With the light of the phone blinding me, I check the time after adjusting to the bright light of the phone. I stare at the bright phone as it reads '3:47 am'. I put the phone back on my nightstand, waiting for my phone's light to go out as my bloodshot eyes stare at the ceiling once more.

Tossing and turning I try to go to sleep. My brain, too busy to even close my eyes for any more than a blink. After what feels like an hour I give in, accepting that I won't sleep tonight. Realizing that I didn't eat much today, I got up and trudge to the kitchen. I open the fridge and see that it's basically empty. How will I live without Janus here? It hasn't even been a day and I can't sleep and the fridge is empty. Closing the fridge I summon myself a stick of deodorant, too tired to even give it a flavor. Trudging to the living room, I snack on the stick and fall onto the couch.

Tears start streaming down my face again as I remember. Remember how he promised. Promised to never leave. Never, like Virgil did.

"You promised." I weep out loud.

"YOU PROMISED! YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER GO! YOU F*CKING LAIR!"

My tears are now running faster than ever before as I cry into the arm of the couch, eyes slowly closing.

"You promised.."

My eyes slowly flutter open as I lay on the tear and eyeshadow stained couch. Slowly lifting up my head I look out the window.

"It's morning?" I think in my head.

"Must have actually fallen asleep."

As I sit there trying to fully wake up I try to think of what to do now that Janus left.

I could just go over there and show him how I feel. Tell him the truth. Normally that's what I'd do without even thinking about it, but today was different. Today my head just flooded with things that could go wrong, awkward things that could happen and things that could really backfire.

This usually doesn't happen but when it does I usually just put them aside and do it anyway. Today was not one of those days. Those thoughts really got to me, and that was truly worrisome.

"Am I being anxious?" I openly ask myself. That really worried me. Why am I being so anxious? I'm not Virgil, I shouldn't worry at all! Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken? What is going on?

Question after question floods my head and then I realize.

"I'm worrying about being worried. This really sounds like something Virgil would do."

I sit up straight on the couch, laying my arms across the top and laying my head back.

"What's wrong with me?" I think out loud.

"Something just isn't right."

Is it there just trying to figure this out. Coming up with possible reasons of why and how this is happening. Idea after idea flowing in my mind hoping that at least one of them makes sense. But every thought makes less sense than the last.

Drowning in my own mind, trying so hard to think. But my thoughts just become static, filling up my mind with noise that I can't even understand. But in this chaos only a few thoughts made itself clear.

I'm overthinking this.

And I've never cried before, not even when I was banished or when Virgil left.

Somethings definitely wrong with me.