Just my thoughts

Hi from 2020

I'm never good enough am I? Not even for the family I have tried so hard to impress and be cautious around trying to make them happy with me. It never is enough huh? I thought I was getting there to make you happy to make you love me and not be the child who is a disappointment. I don't just wanna be the fat suicidal mentally fucked daughter anymore I wanna be good enough. And to think these thoughts came flooded in my mind because of a fucking ring A RING. Because I wanted to get a ring bomb just like my sisters because you know I am the oldest and shit and I'm a chick too so why wouldn't I like at least ask you know? And apparently I'm "begging" for it and that apparently "I haven't done anything good enough for it", like I know this situation is stupid and shit but the feelings I have over it fucking upsets me. I just wanna be good enough. My ex girlfriend broke up with me because of her mental health and yeah I get that like you need to work on yourself and that's okay I understand. But the whole relationship I felt like an outsider and that I never made her happy. That I wasn't good enough. Every time I asked to video chat (because she lived across the world literally) she would never be able too. All are conversations were one of us saying we're not pretty and hyping each other up and you know that's great and all but I want something deeper a real connection. I thought I had that but I wasn't good enough for her. Am I ever gonna be fucking good enough. My mom don't even get me fucking started on her. She thinks that she knows everything that is good for my mental health yet she has never had a fucking mental issue in her life. She likes to believe that I truly am okay inside and this is just a phase or just me being an angsty teen. But no it's a fucking chemical imbalance in my brain. Why do you think I'm on all these fucking meds? For the fun of it? Fuck no I understand you have this fantasy in ur head of a perfect daughter and a perfect family well guess fucking what I'm not that. I'm not good enough for you am I? Will I ever be fucking good enough? School has been really stressing me out lately. It's all online because of fucking COVID 19 I can't stand it. I have like at least 3 hours of work in each of my classes every single day. And me being the depressed bitch I am I get unmotivated Real quick so it piles and leaves me with 14 hours of work I have to do the next day. My stress has been kicked into high gear. I'm trying my best to stay calm and not break again but I'm so close to snapping and the last time I snapped I ended up in the hospital. I'm scared truly fucking scared of my own brain. Will I ever satisfy my brain? Will I ever be good enough? My answer is hopefully some day I'll be good enough for someone, I'll be good enough for myself. 2020 fucking sucks but I'm determined to get through it. And you should too, stay, because if you don't you won't know the wonders of life you will miss.