im so so numb today.
Today was my first day back at work since the 19th of this month. I felt numb there, i felt quiet.
I felt myself plastering on this smile for everyone around me. And putting this mask on so no one could see my pain.
My heart still aches. Im still missing you like crazy.
It's so foreign living without you right now.
When I had you by my side for years, and have so many memories with you.
It's all gone right now.
Im lonely. You were, and still are so much to me.
I still have cried every night, listening to the songs you've sent me, reading old messages, watching videos I've saved of us.
I feel guilty, and i feel pathetic admitting to what I'm about to say, but right now I don't even care anymore. You left one of your tshirts here, and honestly, it still smells like you. Every night I fall asleep hugging it, or have it bundled up so I can still remember what you smell like.
and i Can already feel your scent fading away.
And it hurts because, you're all I want.
I just want you here in bed with me, feeling your arms around me. just closing my eyes as I listen to your heartbeat. Breathing in your scent and just pulling you closer. just being with you.
I finally took out the Polaroid I had of you in my phone case, and I cried. It hurt to see something I've had there so long, just be put away.
i redecorated my phone so it wouldn't look so empty.
And yeah it's cool, and chaotic, but it's just not the same as seeing you there.
Im still in so mich hurt trying to deal with trying to move on.
Why does it keep hurting so much?
I've never cried this hard or this much for someone.
Honestly, I know im not okay, but im trying my best to not fall into a hole that I won't be able to get out of later on.
But I wonder.
How are you? How are you feeling? What are you thinking? are you fine, knowing that it wouldn't you because you're not in love with me?
Do you even miss me at all?
Are you even being honest?
So many questions that I knkw I'll never have answered.
Every night so far, I have specific songs I end up listening to and letting it all out to.
So I guess now, I'll just start posting the song lyrics with every upload I make, so maybe you can feel what I feel if you want.
Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer
I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted
And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine
Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?
When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?
Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
'Cause I'm not fine at all
The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around
It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long
It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
'Cause I'm not fine at all
No, I'm really not fine at all
Tell me this is just a dream
'Cause I'm really not fine at all
YOU ARE READING
A Life Without Him
RomanceI had you, after so long go wanting you. And now, you slipped away. And it hurts me more than I am wanting to recognize. You said you weren't in love like i was, and honestly? It broke me. I just wanted you, best friend. That's all I ever wanted.
