A Life Without Him

9/2/2020

12:43am as i start this.

I Can't sleep.
This headache won't go away from crying.

Today, I was on my snapchat and it gave me an 'August recap'. So basically a mini compilation of the highlights and stuff that I saved for the month of August.
Most of it was videos of us laughing and playing with filters, and playing with Oreo.
And I cried the second I saw your face.

I miss your laugh, i miss your smile, i miss your voice.
I miss feeling your arms around me when I'm laying down.
I miss the soft kisses and feeling the smiles form onto our lips during our kisses.
I miss the joyful tears from the nights we couldn't contain our laughter, and just kept making each other laugh harder throughout the night.
I miss hearing your voice when you would sing to yourself.
I miss playing with your hair and brushing it out.
I miss the random quotes and impressions you would do, even if I didn't get them.

I miss the way you cared for me.
When I had a headache, how you would lay with me and sleep it off with me.
Or when I would be on my period, and you would just hug me and lay with me when the pain was too much. how you would softly rub circles in my back to calm me down and would kiss the top of my head.
Or when I would have anxiety or panic attacks, and you would calmly talk to me, and help me keep calm and listen to what was causing it all. holding my hands and just letting me talk. Holding my shaking body when it would be too much and i would just cry to you, and felt so safe in your arms.

You were my best friend.

Our relationship wasn't bad. We have nothing but good memories, and good things to reflect on.
I loved you, and still love you.
And in our time together, I never once regretted anything we did, or how we were.
We were so good, we were inseparable.
And I know you said, that I deserve a person that loves me; because I loved you so much, and you weren't in love with me.
It was harsh to hear, and tore me to pieces when you said it, but i understand.
You may not have loved me at all in our time being.
You may not know what it's like to love, and i can't be mad at you for that.
I Can't force you to love me.
But what you gave me, was love to me.
I felt, that what you gave me is something that I will always treasure.
We shared ourselves in so many ways.
You were the first healthy relationship I've ever been in, and even though you didn't love me back, I still saw it as potential love.

You left me a week ago today.
And im still hurting.
Im still sleeping with the shirt you left.
Im still looking at our videos.
I stare at the poster on my wall, from the vinyl you got me from cigarettes after sex.
Im still listening to the playlist I made of all the songs you've sent me.

I miss you.
And I keep wanting to numb my pain rather than feel it. I hate feeling this way.
I sit back and think, how I can just go out and do reckless things, all to distract myself.
I have considered just, not caring and doing what I can so I won't feel this hurt.
But, I remember when I did that not too long ago, and how you saw me hit rock bottom.
How you saw me at my worst, and still chose to stay in my life. How you tried your best to talk me out of my recklessness. How you would talk some sense into me, and help pick me up when I couldn't pick myself up.
I look in the mirror, and fight every urge to just, do stupid things. I look in the mirror and look at how I'm still alive and breathing, all because I had you be someone good in my life to help me see that I am human and deserve to live. I tell myself, that you wouldn't want me to do anything to hurt myself. I think of how this time, im alone in healing and can't depend on you to help me this time. How you would want me to keep moving forward, and be myself. Learn how to be okay and try my best to be the best version of me. You always wanted that for me, and have always accepted all of me.

So here I am, doing what I want that will keep me being my best me, and doing things that will help me be happy with myself; and without hurting myself in any way.
It's hard to do these things without you here, but i know you'd want me to be okay.
And I hope you know, I want all of that for you too.

Tonight's song:

fragile tears by awfultune

Eyes filled with tears
Fragile tears
Down your wine then
Tears fall down for show
Eyes filled with tears
Fragile tears
Down your wine then
There, there, don't cry, cry
Hey, girl
Don't be a fool
Cause everybody knows
That boy ain't right for you
Hey, girl
Don't be so blue
It's not your fault that the boy you love isn't in love with you
End your tears
Fragile tears
You down your wine then
Tears fall down for show
Life's filled with tears
Fragile tears
Down your wine then
There, there, don't cry, cry
Tears
Your fragile tears
Filled with fear
That no one's near
But I'm right here
Fragile dear
Down your wine then
I'll be there if you cry, cry