A Life Without Him

8/27/2020

It's around 11:40pm.
And im sitting here, feeling more alone than I have ever felt.

Having the same few songs on repeat.
Ill give a quick list on my current songs, because I'm someone that believes music can be a gateway to the soul, to the mind, and to the heart.

Falling by Harry Styles
18 by One Direction
Ghost of You by 5 Seconds of Summer
A solid mate who wasn't meant to be by Jess benko
Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer
Two Ghosts by Harry Styles
Things That I Miss by awfultune
Black coffee by Morgan Powers
Fragile Tears by awfultune
I like you by dandelion hands
Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex.

(Honestly, i realized i was listening to too many songs, so i made a playlist.
If you're interested in it, it's called
where do I go from here? by aolani.naomi
so go ahead and listen if you'd like, it's my own personal playlist of break up music)

Yesterday, you said you didn't love me.
That you weren't in love like I am.
That I deserve better than someone who can't give me love. And I understand.
I understand why you said you had to leave me.
That's why i can't even be mad at you.
I can't force you to love me, despite how much I feel I need you.
It's only been a day but fuck i miss you so much.
I miss the good morning text, the random memes that make me smile, the funny voice audios we'd send, the goodnight texts.
I miss you so much.

Fuck it just all hurts.
the video call keeps repeating in my mind.
I feel that pang in my chest every tine I hear your voice.
"I'm not in love with you."

I remember crying so hard and seeing my face stained with tears once you ended the call and my phone screen turned black.
You seemed so okay, like you were so sure that we couldn't keep trying to be together.
Almost like, after you hung up, you'd just go about everything like it was all okay.

But im sitting here agin, crying over a boy who never loved me back. My heart aches for you.
My heart is torn, it's hurting, it's empty.
What hurts more, is that I didn't only lose my partner, i lost one of my best friends.

All our memories keep rushing through my mind, trying to think of how it wasn't a bad relationship. How good everything was.
How happy we made each other.
How i refuse to get want to move on because, you have been the only good relationship I've been in.

I can't look at my camera roll.
Seeing videos of us laughing, seeing our smiles, seeing your  smile.
Hearing your voice, seeing your face light up, all our jokes and happiness caught on camera.
Yet, I refuse to get rid of any of it.
How can I get rid of the happiness, and why would I want to?

There's no filter anymore, it's all just gonna come out now, raw and hearty.

Im laying here in my bed as I type this all.
My eyes burn from how much i have cried yesterday and tonight.
The pit in my chest just keeps getting deeper and deeper and my body feels weak.
I feel so lost without you.
Im sitting here just trying to think of us, and how it was good while it lasted.

The day's we spent listening to music in my room with the color changing light and talked about life.
When we would take naps cuddled under my soft green blanket, out legs tangled in each other.
The times you say with my family at dinner and you blended in so perfectly.
Going to Disneyland and just being idiots and laughing at everything and making the best of the heat and crowds.
The movies we watched randomly in the living room, and us making the worst jokes at the worst times.
Our own inside jokes that would just crack us up, no matter what was going on and how we would laugh til we were out of breath.
The times you would just sing to yourself while doing the most simple things and I would pretend I wasn't listening to your soft sweet voice.
All of the times we would hug my guinea pig and play with her and you would just mess with her a bit and for some reason you thought it was so entertaining.
The time I started tying your hair back for you, and taught you to do a ponytail, in for you to start doing it on your own.
The times we sat on my bedroom floor, and would grab one of my random poetry books and make it a small game to open up to a random page and make the other read it out loud.
The songs we would share with each other and give our input on.
The times you helped me completely rearrange my room and help me get started on how I want it to be after so long.
The times you let me playfully put make up on you so we can have something funny to laugh about later on.
The times you brought a guitar over and played these songs that ill never forget, that I'll alway hear your voice and see you sitting on my couch. The biggest smile on your face as you sang.
The time we saw the glowing waves on the beach at night, and just being blown away.
The nights you slept over, that were filled with laughter. All of the soft kisses, all of the cuddles, all of the smiles. Those nights we would just cave to each other and be in our own world like nothing else mattered.
The weekend you stayed with me when my family went out but I had work. And we tried our best to be adults and live on our own, but just ended up doing our own thing knowing we would be fine.
How i kept a specific pair of sweats that I don't wear, just because I know you always wear them when I offer them.
How you alway tend to forget things at my house, from earbuds, to keys, to your wallet, to a shirt, or loose change. Us always making jokes, saying might as well forget yourself here at the house and stay longer.
How the first time we kissed, we were laying in my room on my bed just laughing, and it was just a moment of looking at each other, and you asked to kiss me. And me just feeling my heart skip as i rushed and closed the gap that I wanted to for so long.
The feeling of your gentle hands rubbing my arms, or my legs. Feeling your fingers glide through my hair when we would lay with each other.
How I loved lifting your shirt a bit and felt my hand run across your skin. feeling how warm you would be and loving the skin to skin contact.

And the craziest part of this entry?
Im only getting started with the memories.
There's so much more I can think of, but honestly, it still stings to think about.

It was all so so good.
Why couldn't you love me like I loved you.
I thought we were so good together.