It was almost midnight- my favorite time of the day. The most peaceful hour when my chaotic mind takes over. But I guess not tonight.
Under the lamp post of this park, I watched as every tears escape from his eyes without him making any sound.
'Crying. It doesn't please anyone but those who wanted to be hurt and those who hurt.'
It was just him and his pleas. He doesn't know how it crushed me the same as him. This is torturing me. Please, stop. Of course I can't tell him that. It'll only make things more difficult as it is.
"Aya, just once," Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang braso ko at pilit hina-harap sa kanya.
Nagmatigas ako.
"Just this time, p-please. Look at me," Nagsusumamo ang boses niya. Dumausdos ang kamay niya pababa hanggang sa kamay ko. Damang-dama ko ang nanlalamig at namamawis niyang kamay habang hawak-hawak nang mahigpit ang sa akin.
Pumikit ako nang mariin.
Ayoko. Hindi pwede. Mawawasak lang ako lalo kapag nakita ko ang kaayusan niya.
I want to be heartless. I want to leave him here alone on this starless night and cold street. He's not my responsibility and I can't be responsible for his feelings. It's his, not mine so why should I bother?
I want to leave. I want to but I can't be that same ruthless person. I'm not cruel like him. I know what it's like. How it feels. How it tears you apart when your world tells you to crumble and fall. I know. I know it very well. It was just four years ago that I was in the same position of this man in front of me. Begging him to choose me. But now we've switched places. I'm in the shoes of that guy. And I know enough that it's never right to choose someone you don't love when there's only one end to this.
"Why? Why can't you do it?" I can hear the frustration from his voice. He then gently held my face and leaned his forehead on mine. Ramdam ko ang bawat bigat sa paghinga niya.
"If you can't look at me, I'll always look at you," It was just a whisper. As if he's telling that to his self. But we're close enough for me to hear it clearly. This time, there was so much sadness in his voice. And it was soft, yet it weighed much more than it should. I opened my eyes only to see his were closed. He finally stopped crying.
"Patrick," I mumbled his name.
"It will always be you," He slowly opened his eyes and stared at me. He gave me a smile that didn't reach his eyes. And I wish I never saw that. It'll forever etch in my memory and haunt me until in my sleep.
I tried so hard to swallow the lump in my throat. I can't utter a single thing. I'm afraid I'd break down in front of him once I try to. I can only stare at him. I hope you forgive fate for letting you meet me.
"Aya, mahal ki-"
Nanlamig ako. No. No. No. No. Don't do this.
I sealed his mouth with my thumb before he can complete his sentence, "Shh, Patrick."
I summoned every strength I have left and spoke, "Those words will never be for me, Pat."
Nakita kong mas namutla pa siya. He gritted his teeth, "How could you say that? Bakit pinapangunahan mo pa ang nararamdaman ko? This is real, Aya. Mukha bang mababaw lang sa 'yo 'to?"
I didn't answer him. Instead, I reached his chest at lumayo nang konti.
"Those feelings are meant for someone else," And when that time comes, you'd know it was the right decision.
"But you should also learn to love yourself. So you wouldn't destroy yourself in the process," Like me.
Tuluyan akong lumayo at tumayo. Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya but he held my wrist tightly, not wanting to let go.
"I.. I don't care what happens to me. Just d-don't leave me," His voice cracked. Shit.
I can't do this anymore.
Nagsimulang mag-init ang mga sulok ng mata ko. Tumingala ako para pigilan ang pagbagsak ng luha mula dito.
No. No one's crying tonight.
"Don't be stupid, Patrick. Don't do this to yourself," I paused briefly, "Love, should never be begged. Should never be forced. That is a cruel love, Pat. And that's not love at all."
Huminga ko nang malalim.
"After tonight, you never existed in my life and I to you. Now let's do ourselves a favor- let's cut everything from here," I said every word with finality. I can't even recognize my own voice laced with hatred.
I'm sorry.
Tinalikuran ko siya.
"Good bye, Patrick."
I'm sorry.
And with that, umalis ako nang may mabibigat na hakbang at kumikirot na dibdib.
I was teary-eyed but there's no single tear that dropped. I did it.
I sighed.
I hate you, Eros. I hate you, Aphrodite.
I lost a great friend just because he loved me.
I'm sorry.
