I'm so tired. I want to disappear. Just let me disappear.
It's already past midnight and I'm still sitting on the floor, laying my head at the edge of my bed. I've been like this ever since I got home. I've been spacing out, almost boring a hole at the ceiling of my apartment complex as I recall what happened earlier.
"I'll always look at you."
Napapikit ako nang mariin. Pagkatapos ay isang malalim na paghinga ang kumawala sa aking bibig.
"It will always be you."
Tumayo ako at kinuha mula sa drawer katabi ng kama ko ang journal ko at isang ballpen.
I drew a line across his name. I can't help but to notice the other four crossed-out names on top of Patrick's and the rest of the names that are about to meet the same fate.
I sighed deeply.
Five. Five lines. Five names.
They're now five.
I stared at the words scribbled on top of those lines and names.
'People I've Hurt.'
Paano kayo umabot nang ganito karami?
This ledger of sins is surely a ticket to the Underworld. I just hope Hades would welcome me with open arms. I don't know kung kakayanin ko pang mas malala sa Underworld ang kahihithinan ko. But I guess I deserve it after everything that I did.
Binalik ko ang journal at ballpen sa drawer. Then I took a stick of Marlboro from my case and lit it as I went to my veranda.
I watched the smoke fill the air. I was too preoccupied that I almost didn't notice his presence.
'Smoke, like memories, fills your system until it fades. Yet the smell lingers for the longest time. And remember how exactly it is even when it's gone.'
"Stop being so poetic, Eros. I still hate you."
"It's Dieter, son of Eros for you."
Napailing na lang ako sa kaartehan niya, "You kept calling yourself Eros II. Ampon ka lang naman? They only have Hedone. I really don't get why you keep pushing yourself as one."
His face turned sour.
"Those stories are called myths for a reason, Mortal."
Hindi ko siya pinansin.
And then it came. Just as I expected.
Waves of memories came flooding in. He surely knows which one to show that tortures me effectively.
I felt a seering pain in my head and my heart started throbing. I want to punch him straight to his face until his nose bleeds because of it. He made me see and feel nightmare even without sleeping! I have more than enough of them in my sleep yet this is worse than what I've seen.
Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko para pigilan ang sarili kong magpakita ng kung anomang emosyon sa mukha. Surely, he've already gotten inside my head and knew what I'm feeling. But I won't give him all the satisfaction. He already saw me being tormented with Patrick earlier. I can't let him abuse me more like this.
I snapped out from the damned memory when I heard the middle-aged couple upstairs bickering. Finally. For the first time after years of living here, I was thankful that they fought. I was able to break free from his spell. I never knew them or even met them. I only came to know their names and maybe a bit of their story from their countless shouts and fights.
"Putangina naman Henricko! Naglasing ka na naman!"
There were some loud thuds and breaking of glasses that followed.
Nilingon ko ang lalaking nakaupo sa railings. Will he die if I push him?
"I can hear your thoughts, Mortal," He said without looking at me. He was facing the sky that made his face shine with the moon.
I exhaled the smoke to him. He didn't even flinch. Inalis ko rin ang tingin ko mula sa kanya. He's still sparkly, it's hurting my eyes.
"You deserve it if I ever did it to you. Why do you always have to inflict that memory against me?" Pinigilan kong tuluyang magalit sa kanya kahit kanina ko pa siya gustong ihulog sa kinauupuan niya. He might make my life more miserable. After all, he's a descendant of that stupid god. But that doesn't change anything. I still hate them.
"Ano bang pake mo?! Pakilamera ka talagang babae ka!"
"How hypocritical. You said you were the personification of love, but you let them suffer in misery and hatred. You let us become like this."
He suddenly came beside me. Lumapit pa siya pero hindi ako natinag sa pwesto ko hanggang sa malagpasan niya na ang personal space ko.
If he's trying to intimidate me, it will never work. Intimidation is just another form of pathetically showing-off of those who were hiding their inferiority complex. I don't know with this demi-god, though. Maybe it doesn't excuse him from it.
"Have you forgotten it already?" His face was grim.
Another sound of smashing and crashing things came.
I blew the smoke to his face again. Makaganti man lang sa ginawa niya kanina. I conceded to his staring contest kahit nananakit na mata ko sa kinang niya, "Maybe I did. Maybe I never knew. After all, you gods have twisted minds. Twisted than a mortal psycho."
"Pinuntahan mo na naman babae mo! Walang hiya ka talaga! Ang tanda-tanda mo nang balat kalabaw ka, ang kati pa rin ng tite mong hinayupak ka!"
Inupos ko na ang sindi ng yosi at tinapon sa ashtray. Umalis ako sa harap niya at pumasok na sa loob. Hindi ko na siya kayang tingnan. Literal na masakit siya sa mata.
I was about to head off to my bed when I heard him spoke. It made me stop on my tracks.
"You have cursed love."
What? Kumunot ang noo ko. What nonsense is this demi-god spouting?
Hindi ko na lang siya nilingon at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Ngunit agad siyang nakarating sa harapan ko at muling nilabag ang personal space ko.
"You have cursed love," He looked at me like he was looking beyond my soul. And then his gaze trailed down my lips.
I know that look.
Umatras ako. Mas lumapit siya. He smiled but he can't just fool me with that.
The next thing I knew, his cold lips were touching mine.
"And so love hates you."
And then he was gone bago ko pa siya masuntok.
