- Wait -

Chapter 4

I cradled the hot tea cup as I waited impatiently for Erwin and the others. It wasn't like them to be late. I took a sip and flicked my eyes to Eren who was sat a few seats away from me, in an uneasy silence. He had tried to blame what happened on himself, tch. I'd already tried that but I knew deep down the boy wasn't to blame. Not that it mattered now anyway, what's done is done. I did feel sorry for him though, I know what he was feeling right now. It's not the first time someone will die on his watch, he just needs to learn that there's no room for regret in this job. It'll get you killed. That's rich coming from me. The door finally opened and Erwin strode through along with Hanji and a few of the other cadets from Erens training core. An interesting group, why bring the cadets?

"Why are you all here?" Erens shakey voice mirrored my own thoughts, I turned my head towards Erwin searching his face for a clue. He met my eyes for a second and I held his gaze curiously.

"We believe we have uncovered the female titans identity, she won't slip away from us this time." He stated, his voice filled with determination. I felt my grip on the tea cup tighten as my mind raced with memories. I felt Erwins eyes on me as the others spoke but I couldn't look at him right now. My face wouldn't give anything away to the others I'm sure. But how did he know this time would be any different? What if I couldn't save them again? 

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I glanced down at the wine bottle I was cradling with disgust. I hated drinking, it made you weak. There was a rumour amongst the scouts that I couldn't get drunk, in reality I can just handle a lot more than any of the others. In the underground, the water was disgusting and it was massively safer to drink the weak bitter ale instead. I did have my limits though, and two bottles of wine and an old bottle of whisky seemed to be it. I shouldn't have taken it from Erwin just to drink both bottles when I felt scared. I hate that. How many soldiers trust me? Have died for me? How many more will? Just for me to sit in the corner of my office and drink till it tastes like water. If they only knew how much of a coward I really was...

I wouldn't be able to help when we get called up to the capital, my leg wasn't healed enough yet. At least the alcohol numbed the pain to a dull ache. As much though I'd tried to convince Erwin otherwise he was right, I wouldn't be helpful. So they were on their own. I took another swig as I remembered what happened when I left Farlan and Isobel, when I left Petra and my squad. Who would I let die this time? Eren? Hanji? The young cadets Erwin had filled with false hope? Erwin himself?

I hugged my knees to my chest as tears rolled down my cheeks and I shook like frightened kid. Silent sobs tore through my body as my mind raced with worst case scenarios. I knew how quickly things could change out there, one moment I asked Eren to trust me, to let his comrades die. The next, my entire squad was wiped out and Eren was nearly gone too. I reached a shakey hand for the bottle only to realise it was empty. I sighed. I wonder if Erwin had any more. I needed a drink, I wanted to forget just for tonight. Just for tonight I didn't wanted to be a captain, I just wanted to be Levi. Whatever that meant. Coward or not.

I stood up straight as the world spun around me, my vision blurred as I steadied myself against the wall. I walked forward, wrapping Erwins cloak around me like a security blanket. I threw the hood over my head in attempt to hide my face as I shuffled through the halls quietly. It was late but there were still a few soldiers around so I kept my head down, the hood falling in front of my eyes making it hard to see where I was going. I shuffled forward on auto pilot to Erwins office, working hard to stay upright and walk straight. The hood fell in front of my eyes once more and I bumped into a wall, I paused and looked up through my hood to get my bearings only to be met with a familiar pair of icy blue eyes. Shit. 

I jumped backwards and stood up straight, my dark eyes meeting his. He looked down at me suprised, the ghost of a smirk playing on his face as he closed his office door. Bad timing on my part.

"Sorry, excuse me sir." I said, my voice as even and cold as I could make it. I tried to move past him but I stumbled and he grabbed my shoulder firmly. He pulled me into his office gently, closing the door behind him. He pulled the hood down gently as his concerned gaze focused on me. 

"Levi, have you been drinking?" His smooth voice demanded. I looked up at him defiantly.

"Tch, so what if I have?" I retorted, it was no different than him. 

"I suppose I can't really scold you given the fact I did the same," He said a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. I drunk in the sight, not caring what he thought in that moment. 

"What's going on Levi?" He asked, his voice gentle and smooth. Not caring anymore I stepped towards him, looking up at those bright blue eyes and a smirk fell onto my face. I stood up on my tip toes, not that it made much of a difference to the height gap, and looked down at his lips playfully. Erwin froze, watching me intently, making me take the lead. I bit my lip thoughtfully, I could kiss him. Forget about everything for the night. 

"Levi," the soft baritone of his voice brought me back and sobered me, if only for a second. I shook my head of the thoughts and turned from him quickly, I leaned against the wall of his office, my head down. What was going on with me? I was crying not long ago and now I'm trying to sleep with my boss. I was a mess.

"What do you want?" He asked, his voice was soft but the tone was demanding. I met his eyes, not trying to hide anything now. What did I want?

"Tch, hell if I know," I replied honestly. He held my gaze as he crossed the distance between us, stopping just in front of me. My heart hammered as I looked up at him, licking my lips nervously. I tried to take a step backwards but I just ended up flattening my back against the wall. Erwin lent forward caging me in with his arms as my breathing hitched.