The Sackler Trap

Still Hurting

                                                                                         JULIE

"Julie, I'm so sorry."

"You said you'd be there," I said, gripping the phone so hard I'm surprised it didn't fly out of my hand.

"I know I did. What can I say? The producers want to move the shooting up a week." He paused for a long time. "Julie you know I can't get out of it." Another pause. "And even if I could, I wouldn't. This is too big..."

I felt the tears welling up. We hadn't even seen each other in person since the Emmys. I had planned so much on my opening night. He would come visit me in my dressing room backstage, we would have this Oscar-worthy reunion, and live happily ever after. I now saw it for the ridiculous dream of a theater ingenue that it was. I fought back the stinging in my eyes and forced a calm I didn't feel. Adam apologized profusely over and over about not being able to attend opening night because he had to fly out to California to start shooting a new movie. He still had no idea about what had unfolded on TONY night between Hadley and I.

"I totally get it, Adam," I said. "I do. I'd do the same thing."

I could hear his smile. "I know you would, kid. I never met anyone as dedicated to the art as you."

His words sent splinters directly into my heart. I blinked rapidly several times. Damn. I would need makeup back in here soon. "I'll send you a copy of the soundtrack. I...I think you'll like it."

"Please," he replied. "I'd love that."

This time when I blinked, tears fell into my lap. I couldn't talk anymore. "Bye, Adam," I said quietly.

"Break a leg, kid."

I did not reply, just ended the call before he could hear me crying.

I did not have to fake the tears that filled my eyes on opening night as I sang Cathy's lament in The Last Five Years when she discovers her marriage to Jamie is over. Plaintive strings and a winsome piano accompanied me. I poured every bit of my hurt and disappointment into that performance.

Jamie is over, and Jamie is gone...

Jamie's decided it's time to move on.

Jamie has new dreams he's building upon.

And I'm still hurting...

Jamie arrived at the end of the line

Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine

Jamie is probably feeling just fine

And I'm still hurting...

                                                                              ***

The reviews the next morning were even more glowing than the ones for Evening Primrose. I had, according to one critic, "proven" I was more than just an ingenue of the stage but could branch out into more serious, adult roles like that of Cathy. In other words, The Last Five Years garnered me the respect of even the harshest theater critics. That should have mollified me. Six months ago, it would have.

Hadley folded the paper and reached for his coffee. Then he noticed my barely touched cooling latte. The barista had created a fanciful heart in the foam but all I could do was stare at it in misery.

"Julie Landor," Hadley began, "with her ancient eyes and plaintive voice as warm as honey has us in tears with Cathy's lament, "Still Hurting", and begs us ask the question, is the heartache she injects into her song genuine or is she truly that great an actress?"