The Sackler Trap

Divas

My stiletto heels didn't allow for fast running but I did have a head start on Adam as I skittered out onto the side walk outside the club and looked frantically, tear-blinded, for a cab. I began walking, my mind spinning, halfway on finding a ride and halfway on what had happened tonight. I should have fucking known.

"Julie!"

I rolled my eyes and kept going, my heels making sharp staccato noises on the pavement. There, I saw a cab and rushed towards it. I slipped inside and gave my address. We pulled away from the curb just as Adam ran up to the window. I heard him curse but I sat resolutely back in the seat, determined not to cry. At least not until I got home.

Forty minutes later, the cab pulled up in front of my building. I gave the driver all the cash I had in my tiny clutch and it must have been barely enough for he didn't say anything, just grunted and drove off almost before I was clear of the curb. I didn't care. I pulled off my stupid heels and, carrying them in one hand, sprinted up the three stories to my apartment.

Once inside I flung the shoes at the foot of the bed where they bounced off in two different directions and I threw myself facedown in the pillows. But suddenly I didn't feel like crying although tears had been threatening for the last hour. I was angry. I just wanted to scream and hit someone...I knew who. Predictably, not fifteen minutes after I got home, I heard him. He just walked in and I cursed myself for not locking the door.

"Julie!" he called. His footsteps carried over to my bed.

I was glad the tears hadn't come. I didn't need tears right now, I needed raw anger and rage. I rolled to my back and sat up, glaring at him standing at the foot of my bed. "What the fuck are you doing in my apartment?" I demanded.

"Julie are you gonna scream at me some more or are you gonna let me talk?" he asked with infuriating patience. 

"I don't have to listen to anything you say, Adam!" I shouted. "I know exactly what happened tonight. You knew there would be people there tonight. People to hear me sing and maybe, just maybe give me an opportunity to be on Broadway!" I shook my head in disbelief at him. "But you decided I shouldn't have that opportunity. Not even the opportunity to say no!"

He was shaking his head. "That's not true, Julie..."

"The hell it isn't!" I cried. "The whole thing is just your style, Adam. You like to use sex and..." my hands went to the earrings in my ears. "Fucking baubles to get your way!"

I began taking the studs out. Adam put an hand over mine. 

"Julie, don't do that."

But I had the earrings out and was standing up, shoving the pair of them into Adam's jacket pocket. "There. Maybe they'll work on some other idiot. This one's retired from being made fool of!"

"Stop being a fucking diva, Julie!" 

My eyebrows shot up and I laughed crazily. "The only 'fucking diva' here is you, Adam Sackler!" I yelled. I threw my hand out in emphasis. "You have to have your fucking way in everything...you're such a goddamn control freak! You certainly don't care about me!"

He put up a finger in my face. "That's not true, Julie and you fucking know it!"

I batted his hand away. "I can't believe it...so many people warned me about you and I saw the red flags the first day I met you but I just plunged in, eyes shut! I've never been such an idiot..." I broke off feeling the tears rising to the surface. I did not want to cry in front of him. Once I had mastered myself I took a deep breath. "I was doing just fine without you," I murmured my eyes finding his. 

His eyes darkened and looked almost crazed. It scared me. "You were huh?" he asked, the coldness in his voice startling me.

I put my hands on my hips and nodded meeting his eyes although my heart was splintering in two.  

"You liked struggling, standing in endless lines for auditions, and winning secondary parts?" he asked, his voice rough and gravelly. 

"That's not what this is about, Adam," I said quietly, still stunned he wasn't getting it. 

"The fuck it isn't, Julie!" he shouted, stepping closer to me. "Who do you think got you the role in the show? Who saw to it your agent heard about it? John Grissom saw three girls audition, Julie! Three! And he didn't think twice...he picked you almost immediately. Why do you think that was?"

I frowned at him, realization dawning. "So, you're saying you've been manipulating my career since you saw me in Diamonds?" I asked. I laughed, incredulous. "And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

He looked away in frustration. "No! Just...fuck, Julie. I..." He ran a hand through his hair and looked down.

"Well?" I demanded. "What? What do you have to say?" I sighed. "Are you mad I'm not prostrating myself in gratitude before you for getting me the job on your show? I guess you're pretty used to pulling strings, Adam, but did it ever occur to you that a person might just want to make it on their own merit? Did you think me incapable?"

Adam lifted his soulful brown eyes to mine and his face softened. "No, Julie. God...damn, no. I never thought that." He paused and came towards me.

I backed away. "Just tell me...just answer me straightforward," I said. "Did you know Marks and Golay were going to be at Birdland tonight and did you make us late on purpose?"

His eyes moved frantically over my face and for the first time I saw him as he was. Desperately afraid of losing something or someone he wanted to hold on to. Me. And I knew he'd do whatever it took to hold on to me, even if it wasn't what I wanted. My heart fell. I crossed my arms and looked at him.

He lowered his head and reached into his trouser pocket. He turned away from me and stalked over to the window, his hand working in his pocket nervously. I realized he was flipping his sobriety chip over and over in his fingers. He slowly began to nod and turned back to face me. 

"Yes," he admitted quietly, "I did."

I let out a pent up breath I didn't know I was holding. I uncrossed my arms, my eyes staring unhappily at the floor. Neither of us spoke for a long time. I glanced to see him nervously chewing his bottom lip and flipping that coin, over and over. I glanced away and slightly shook my head. 

"No I didn't like struggling and standing in endless lines for auditions and winning secondary roles," I said quietly. "But at least that felt honest compared to this."

I saw him raise his head and look at me out of my peripheral but I couldn't look at him. He came towards me but I moved swiftly to the door keeping my eyes on the floor, knowing if I met his gaze it would all crack and crumble for me. My newfound fortitude. I needed it, now more than ever. I opened the door.

"Goodbye, Adam."

He paused just next to me and I startled slightly when his hand touched my waist.

"Julie...I'm sorry."

"No," I said, keeping my eyes on his shoes. "Just go. Don't call me, don't text, don't come over, and don't send Eve with messages." I pulled the door wider as if to emphasize my meaning. "I just want you to go."

I heard him swallow and he took his hand from my waist and put it around the door. "That's the way you want it, kid?" he asked huskily.

I nodded, still avoiding his eyes. "That's the way I want it, sultan."

He hesitated a fraction of a second before accepting my resolve then quickly dipping his head toward mine. I turned my head at the last minute and his kiss landed on the corner of my mouth. He drew away and left hurriedly, pulling the door shut behind him. I leaned my forehead heavily on the closed door and then, like a thunderhead breaking, the tears came swift and harsh, and the sobs racked my body as I slumped to the floor.