Aftermath

Something There

Almost an eternity of silence had passed as Caesonia stood at the doorway of her chamber, remaining stern as Commodus turned towards her. "Never show weakness," her father's voice echoed in her mind."You mustn't be afraid of Death. It will only get you killed." It wasn't the violence that scared her, but rather having been the unfortunate witness of such an act that brought internal terror. It was no secret that the emperors of Rome valued their public image and many of them would stop at nothing to preserve a persona of wisdom, justice, fortitude, and temperance.

Disappearing into her room, Caesonia backed away from him gingerly. And without a second thought, the emperor followed her. Yet Commodus found himself remaining near the threshold of the doorway to debate his next choice of words.

Perhaps it was guilt, or even fear, that could be used to describe the emotion Commodus had been afflicted with. Lucilla's words followed him like a shadow, even as he advanced towards Caesonia. Those stinging remarks were by his side long after the vision of his sister had disappeared. What if Lucilla were correct - that all he'd ever done was push everyone he's cared about away? Would Caesonia, his Pink Fairy, become disgusted with his violent outburst and reject him? No, she couldn't...she was his prisoner...he held the lives of her and of her father in the palm of his hand. She belonged to him.

"Ave, Caesar," Caesonia greeted, breaking the long silence and Commodus's string of self-doubt. "Good evening, my lady," he replied amidst blinking with astonishment. Commodus had not expected her to be so formal or calm, after what she'd just seen. And the sight of her obediently kissing his ring brought about a sense of temporary calmness for the emperor too.

Raising her chin so that their eyes met, Commodus took a moment to study her features before asking her a question. "Am I a monster, Lady Caesonia?"

She shook her head in reply. "I want to hear it from your lips," he quietly growled.

"You are not a monster, Caesar."

The emperor walked towards the aging, white bed, still standing before her with an intense stare. "Do you loathe me?"

"I do not, Caesar."

Abridging the space between them, Commodus felt a slight quiver in his tone and swallowed as he inquired his last question.

"Am I not merciful?"

The analytical side of her would've weighed her answer based on which would guarantee her being alive to see the next day. An outright criticism of the emperor's ways would guarantee an execution, while agreement would spare her. Yet, as the weeks passed in her empty, incarcerated existence, Caesonia asked herself endlessly why she was still obeying every command and trying to live. Her father hadn't fought for her; he abandoned her in a heartbeat when she fought to spare his life. Then again, if her father were dead, she'd have no place to go. For all the righteousness and virtues many emperors claimed to possess, Rome was never kind to a lonely girl.

Still, was she merely trying to stay alive because that is what she was taught - to survive at all costs? Or was she finding herself loyal to her captor? Caesonia knew why her father was in trouble and tried for treason. He failed his duty towards the Emperor of Rome and had to be duly punished. The Emperor accepted her offer and was as benevolent as possible to her. Instead of the dungeons, she was given a room. Granted she was not allowed to leave said room, but it was certainly better to be alone than to be surrounded by violent, insane men who'd certainly prey upon a girl thrust into their premises. And for his seemingly kind gestures, Caesonia took it upon herself to be obedient to him in return.

"You are merciful indeed, Caesar," she answered, barely louder than a whisper.

"No, I'm NOT!", he wanted to scream at her. "You watched me take an innocent life before your very eyes! Why would you still address me as merciful, you deceitful girl?!" But this was not the time for screaming. Maybe this wasn't the time to say anything.