Nothing is better, it feels like it's getting worse. I cant breathe, my heart really hurts.Sleep, that's the only way I can forget. Strong sleeping pills, a sedative and a muscle relaxant together because every muscle in my body is pulled in lumps, that's all that helps to sleep. I feel like a zombie, drunk in my head when I wake up, but I have to because otherwise I'll never go to sleep and I have to sleep, it's the only time I don't think. But no pills during the day, I have to cry and mourn over my child, I have to be able to think soberly for my husband and other child.So many arrangements to make, decisions to make. Can no one then understand that I do not want to bury my child, I want him with me forever. But the majority of votes said he has to be buried. I do not want it, I want to have my child with me every day. He is is my heart I know, but he may not lie in the ground.Anger eats me up but that's all that keeps me standing now. My faith is gone because I am firmly convinced God has finally left me now. Nothing that anyone says can make me change my mind now. If He could move mountains, if He could raise people from the dead why did He not stop my child from taking his own life. It was in His hands after all. I do not want to hear of Him picking the most beautiful flower or that He needed him. That little flower was mine, I need it.Why does God give you a child only to take him again 30 years later. In this life I will never be able to understand it.I'm looking for my child, only to realize again he's not here, gone forever. He would never know how much I miss him but he knew how much I loved him. My life has fallen apart, nothing can ever be right or beautiful again. I'm looking for distractions, something to do, take here, leave there and suddenly I do not want to do anything, just sit and sit and sit. Memories run through my head, childhood things, last week's happenings. I'm looking for answers, because what could I have done so wrong to walk in these shoes now? But only silence is my answer and my faith disappears from all the sorrow. I am forced to walk around with these questions with a heart broken from all the pain.
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The Day I lost you
Phi Hư CấuFacing death is a reality so many of us face and one that I'm still struggling with after I lost my Son in November 2019 to suicide. From day one I started writing letters to him, telling him about the life he left behind and asking all the questio...
