The Day I lost you

Day 7

Unreal, that's how it feels.

 Life has not taught me what to do when you are no longer there. There is no manual that I can quickly grab and see what to do. 

Emotions come and go, up and down, up and down, sadness, anger, despair, and sometimes just "numb", sometimes all at once, it drives me crazy. I can not concentrate or focus, I forget things, sometimes where I was going, my eyes become dull, I struggle to see.

When I go to bed in the evening and get up in the morning you are my last and again my first thought. 

It's still raining every night so far but you probably already know that. You and I both feel the same way about rain. 

Always a joke between me and you and when people say how much we need the rain, the look between me and you because we do not like too much rain, you and me.

You know I'm not afraid of ghosts, not like you who made sure you're out of Grandpa's empty house before dusk because you say, it's haunting there. And if you forget something there and it's dark like tonight, Dad and I have to go with you, flashlight in hand so you can go get what you forgot. 

But boy, come haunt mother I asked. 

Do you remember the four of us have always said the first one who goes must give a sign to those who are left behind? 

But you haven't given a sign yet, have you forgotten? 

We're waiting for you my angel, just make it clear that we know it's you. The house is full of flowers and plants that people bring for you. 

I appreciate it a lot but it's hard to stare at it. It stands in the distance, there where I do not have to walk past it, I know it is well-meant but I just cant yet see the beauty in a flower again.

I stay in the house, go nowhere if I do not have to, I can not drive past your workshops, office, or everything that is linked to you. From the gate, the gardens upstairs to my house, everything is your handiwork and pride. 

It drives me crazy, my child, to see it all now and know you are not here , I live between my four walls because I do not want to see anymore.

Rev. Jan is going to bury you, he speaks so beautifully of you. 

You know why we made the decision and not go for your own church.

 And I know you understand why we did that.

On the warpath road, we still have to do that too, but a little later. 

Just know we take care of your hard handiwork, your pride, and will do so until we also have to take our last breath.

But boy it's hard without you, I have to get out of here because I'm going to go crazy without you. 

Maybe later I can look again and see the beauty in everything here, but not now.

I can't breathe, my chest tightens from pain as if someone has punched me in the stomach... out of my mind. 

Everyone says time heals wounds but this wound is too big a hole that no time in this world can ever fix it again. 

"What quest is worth pursuing? My world stopped, lacking you."