getaway car | ethma

3

Emma

Emma: hey. I'm too drunk to drive, so I'm staying over at the Dolans'.

Carter: okay. As long as you're safe, that's what matters. I love you.

Emma: I love you too.

Carter: will I see you before I go to work tomorrow?

Emma: if I'm awake by then, yes.

Carter: okay. Sleep well, babe

Emma: I'll try to without you :(

Carter: are you sure you don't want me to come get you?

Emma: that's okay. I'm crashing on their couch. I'm exhausted anyway.

Carter: okay. See you tomorrow.

Emma: Goodnight

Carter: Goodnight, love

I felt terrible. It's true. The guilt of thinking about Ethan in ways I shouldn't have been thinking about him was heavy on my shoulders.

I woke up at 6:30 the next morning and snuck out of their house before anyone else was awake.

I drove home in silence, the short drive not even long enough for the car to fully heat up.

I parked in the driveway, and went in. I gave Carter a quick hug and a kiss before I walked towards our bedroom.

"You going back to bed?" He asked.

"Yeah. I have a slight hangover. I missed you though."

"I missed you too. I'll see you later, okay? Drink some water."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too, Mrs. Ryan." He said.

Carter and Emma Ryan.

Emma Ryan.

Emma Dolan?

Am I still drunk?

Emma Ryan.

Emma Ryan.

Emma Ryan.

I needed to get sober, so I could think about everything going on.

Six months until the wedding. Six months until I become a Ryan. Six months until I close the door on Ethan and I forever.

Six months until I close the door on Ethan and I forever.

As I climbed back into bed, I thought long and hard about everything. About the feelings I've been trying so hard to avoid. About the conflicting feelings I was having about Ethan versus Carter.

It's gotta be too late, right? I was engaged, and Ethan obviously didn't feel the same anymore. Was there even a reason I should've been this conflicted, or was it all in my mind?

Was I making a mistake staying with Carter? I mean, if I married him, would I always have regrets about him not being Ethan?

With Ethan, it's one look and I feel like I'm seventeen again. With Carter, one look and I wonder if I'm truly gonna be happy with him for the rest of my life.

I didn't know if I was setting up this marriage to be a failure. If I'm having second thoughts now, how am I gonna feel when my last name changes to Ryan instead of Dolan?

Ethan was my everything when we were together. Carter is supposed to be my everything but he's only almost my everything.

He's the closest I can get to love without Ethan.

Maybe I'm better off with Carter. That saves me a heartbreak. What if Ethan and I tried again and it didn't work out? Then I'd regret not being with Carter.

I was so torn. I didn't know what to do.
I went back to sleep, hoping my mind would clear and I could focus on what was important: making sure that the Dolan's had what they needed, helping them in any way I could, and trying to keep good thoughts in my head about Carter.

In all honestly we were a great couple. We were. He really was the guy next door if you know what I mean.

Smart, kind, loving, attractive, and interesting. He was everything I looked for in a significant other.

With one exception. He wasn't Ethan.

I spent the next week basically living at the Dolans' house, simply supporting them, and doing chores or other tasks they might've not been feeling up to.

Running errands for them and stuff. My heart was hurting really bad for Sean. Being around their family without him just felt weird. I think that none of us really felt like it was real. It felt like he was gonna walk in from the garage at any second.

The sad reality of that not being true was what made everything so sad.

We were gearing up for the funeral, which was the Sunday after Sean died. Exactly one week.

Lisa was busy making food, so I was helping her with that, and being the runner outer if they needed anything from the store.

Honestly staying busy was helping me not cry too much. I knew Sean was in a better place now, but that didn't stop me from missing my second father.

The day before the funeral Grayson sat me down in their kitchen, and told me to slow the fuck down.

"Grayson—" I tried to argue, but he stopped me by putting his hands on my shoulders and staring at me.

"Emma, you are a part of this family too. Give yourself time to breathe. Please. It's fine if you sit down for a little bit, okay?"

"Gray—"

"Emma, please. Slow. Down."

I took a deep breath. "I just feel like everything should be perfect. He deserves it."

"Hey, I know he's happy even if it's not perfect. It's okay, Emma. I know you're having a rough time. Just breathe, okay? If you want we can go get some food, and you can take a break, yeah?"

"Okay."

"Come on. Let's get out of here.

-

That was exactly what I needed. Grayson was someone who no matter what, I could go to if I needed to vent my thoughts and feelings. He was like my brother.

I told him I was feeling a little bit conflicted about marrying Carter, and he just told me to follow my heart.

He's right. I need to do what ultimately will make me the happiest.

I looked at my engagement ring, twisting it in a circle on my finger. I'd never felt this torn in my life.

There was the first man I ever fell in love with, who I didn't know if he felt the same way. I didn't know if I broke up with Carter, that I'd somehow have a chance with Ethan.

Then there was Carter who was the safe option. He loved me, and I loved him. He was the closest thing to perfect for me.

I just didn't know if I loved him as much as I loved Ethan, and that was a problem.