Finally Found You

8: Binders And Bullshit

Zane

"So you did all this just to get me to show you my binder?" my voice was rising with every word.

I knew I couldn't trust him. This was all a mistake. "Why does it even matter? Why are you so persistent on seeing my fucking binder?"

He tried feigning innocence, and I wanted to believe him. I really did. He didn't make it easy, though.

"Why don't you just show me it?" He persisted. "Why are you being so stubborn about it if it doesn't matter."

"Well it's MY binder. Like, mine? My own? For me? And it's private. If I wanted people to see what's inside it, I would've posted it online or something." He was not allowed to see it. No one was allowed to see it.

Who did he even think he was for me to let him see it? He was nothing to me but a bully. With a nice side, but still a jerk nonetheless.

My binder had artworks I cared about. It had artworks made by my little sister. It had drawings relating to my religion and my race. My culture and the people who helped shape it. 

"But you don't understand," He argued more, adamant on getting my nerves worked up.

"Yeah, apparently, I don't understand anything. Always have, always will right? Because I'm an idiot. Yes, a big idiot. Because for a second I thought you were being nice to me just because it's me, and I was so stupid for believing for a moment that you actually liked me," I fought tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn't going to show any weakness. "What makes you any different from Casper Dean?"

His face dropped and he couldn't look me in the eyes. "Just leave, Gavin. I can finish this on my own. I never needed anyone's help before and I certainly don't need it now." A tear did escape my eye and trickled down my cheek. Sometimes I couldn't stay strong as I was starting to break slowly. Like a dam, one small crack and it'd all fall to pieces.

"No." he said sternly. "I'm not leaving this time,"

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean by 'this time' ?"

"I had left once before, but not this time. I can't leave this time. I'm not sure about everything and I do have my doubts and it's all toying with me on the inside, Zane. I need to see that stupid binder, just one look. I beg you. Stop torturing me, please?"

Just as I was about to feel sympathetic with him, my brain flooded my emotions with anger. Anger at him and at myself.

"Like you tortured me for years?" I spat out. For once, I didn't regret speaking out. "Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to skip school just so I don't see you?" I really did. There were days that I just didn't want to wake up. I went through the same shit every day from different people. Be it Gavin or Casper. Even I was my own bully at times. I hated them and myself.

It's funny how life turned around. I once had been the one to stand by everyone's side when they needed someone, and now I was the one standing alone, yearning for a little support.

"Zane, please stop,"

"You brought this on yourself Gavin. It never was my fault."

he hugged his legs and rested his head on his knees and that was all I needed to let my tears flow as hard as they wanted to.

My mind went ten years back. To a park where a little boy was sitting, crying behind a tree.

They didn't want to play with him.

They ran away from him.

No one showed up to his birthday.

No one associated with him.

He spent lunch at school by himself.

They stole his colored pencils and he was too scared to get them back.

He just needed a friend, and when he finally got one, he moved away.

I couldn't bear seeing him like that. But I couldn't help him either It wasn't my position to help him. While he had every single person at school due to his popularity, I had no one. Why was I supposed to be the help he needed when I had no one when I needed it.

"You're right," He said after the tension became so evident it could be cut by a slight tug. "I did this to myself. I didn't think I would, but I did. The problem is that I wasn't thinking at all, or maybe too much"

"Didn't think you'd do what? I don't understand," I didn't understand what he was saying most of the time. It was as if he was speaking in some secret language only he knew how to speak it.

The look on his face scared me. It wasn't sadness anymore, but more of pain and anger. I low-key got scared that he might rearrange my facial features. I liked my eyes were they were.

"I promised myself not to love anyone else and that's what's supposed to happen." he muttered before storming out of the classroom.

What the hell did just happen? I was starting to think that he was crazy. Yeah,  that was probably it. He had an almost complete conversation with himself. He promised himself stuff that he was obviously having trouble keeping. And he loved someone? I honestly didn't think that Gavin could even like someone without lying to himself, but to love? Love was a big word.

My mind was having trouble registering all of what happened. It was really fun hanging out with him and I actually had one of the best times of my life. It was a completely different side of his cocky self. The star athlete. The jock. The bully. It was Gavin Ross the human.

He laughed, he joked, we painted, we goofed around, and we had actual fun. His laughs were genuine with crinkles by his eyes that made them look like small beads. And the taste of his lips were going to be etched in my mind for God knew how long.

I looked at the painting. It needed about a couple more sessions to get it all fixed. So, by next Monday, I should be done with it.

I packed my stuff back and left the school, all while thinking of how much I wanted to strangle Gavin if I lay eyes on him. I didn't want anything to do with him ever again.
-
The next day, he didn't show up to help. It was good because I didn't want him to. However, I couldn't deny that a part of me wanted him to be here. He made me feel like I belonged with someone again. Something I haven't felt in years.

Through my life, I grew up lonelier and lonelier, until I had André. He made life slightly more tolerable. I remained focused on my grades and studying until I had no social life whatsoever.

The weird part was, I liked it that way.

I liked the feeling of solitude. 

With all what Gavin did and was still doing to me, I never hated him. I knew he had reasons to be like that, and what happened yesterday proved that I was right. He was struggling internally with himself. He wasn't even emotionally stable. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, and sorry for the way I spoke to him yesterday.

-

I was never going to get used to the alarm clock no matter how many times I woke up to it. It was just one of the things that were never gonna happen.

However, today, I woke up eager to go to school. My mind was made. Everything I tried convincing myself with was gone.

I wanted to see him and talk to him. I was even willing to show him the binder if I had to. That was why I put it in my bag. I had extra time on my hands so I actually had breakfast with my family for once. They were all surprised for some reason, which made me realize that I haven't had breakfast with them in months. And so I was done and on my way to see Gavin. I was going to make things right.

A/N: hello and sorry. I haven't updated in a while because I was focused on my other story A Flower Blossoms Silently. I'll update this more frequently whenever I can. Thanks for reading!
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