My Everything

Chapter 24: 3 am Thoughts

Chapter 24: 3 am Thoughts

Why do I keep doing this? Why do I let myself so easily forgive him? It's all so frustrating.

I lay awake in bed at 3 o'clock in the morning thinking. Thinking of those tears that slowly rolled down his cheeks, thinking of the way he made every single word scream with hurt, and thinking about how absolutely stupid I was to forgive him again. I rush into everything with him. But if he thinks he's won me back he's very mistaken.

I most certainly will not be dating him for a while. Yes, I know I said that we could go on dates but I would like to think of it simply as two friends hanging out.

I love Justin, that's something I can't deny. But I can't deal with a relationship right now. I need to focus on myself, get myself stable, before I could ever date again.

Truth is I am not happy. Shocker, right?

It's not just the whole cheating situation it's just me. I do this to myself, I'm the one who allows myself to get hurt in every way possible. I always put everyone's feelings before mine but that's changing. I'm sick of caring for everyone else, making sure everyone is okay and stable and then getting shit in return. I think it's all just bullshit.

I need to be happy again. And I need to do it for myself, no one else.

I turned over so I wasn't facing Justin anymore. My arm started burning right where the cuts were. I rubbed over them causing my fingers to have some wet substance on them. I quietly got up and walked to the bathroom. I turned on the light and shut the door behind me. Looking down at my arm I saw that a few of my cuts opened up and were bleeding. I ran some water over them causing me to hiss in pain. I then carefully bandaged all of the cuts up. I threw away the bandage wrappers and walked back out, turning the light off.
I grabbed a random hoodie and slipped it on, I didn't want Justin to see my arm all bandaged up.

I laid back down in bed feeling two muscular arms wrap around my waist. A deep raspy voice behind me said "What where you doing in the bathroom?" Not gonna lie his voice turned me on. "I was using the bathroom." I lied. I hope he believed me. "I never heard the toilet flush. What were you ripping in there?" Curiosity and worry was obvious in his voice. "What do you mean Justin?" "I heard you ripping something apart, then you bundling it all up and throwing it away. So what was it Faith?" He got more impatient every second I didn't answer. "Bandages, I uh accidentally cut my foot." Worst lie ever. "You cut your foot while you were asleep in bed? I don't believe you. Tell me the real reason you got bandages." My mouth went dry and my heart started racing. "I bandaged up my arm." That wasn't a lie, but he doesn't know the reason. "No. No. No!" He shouted.

He got up from the bed and turned on the bedroom light. He walked back over to the bed with tears streaming down his face. He gently lifted up my arm and turned it over. I turned my head the other way, I couldn't bare to look at him. I felt him undoing the bandages, slowly and easily. I felt warm drops falling on my cuts, followed by two shaky plump lips. I looked back down at him, he was crying and kissing each and every cut of mine.

My eyes glazed over causing a big lump in my throat. "Justin stop." I said softly, I didn't want to come across as annoyed. He looked up at me. His beautiful hazel eyes started to turn dark, his nose was red, he had bags forming under his eyes, his smile wasn't there anymore, it was replaced by a frown, and his cheeks didn't have those cute little dimples on them. He looked so hurt but still managed to look perfect.

"Why?" He said standing up. "Why should I stop? It's you who needs to stop! You can't do this! I can't do this anymore! I have to deal with so much hate, the media absolutely despises me. I spend so much time in the studio. I can't have a decent time without being bombarded by paparazzi. I have so much stress on me, I barely have time to take a breath! But do you see me cutting? No! That's so fucking stupid Faith. What the hell."

My lip trembled as I stared him, taking in every single word he said. Tears fell down my face one after another. We sat there in dead silence staring at each other. He had obvious frustration on his face, but I sat there allowing myself to let the tears keep falling. When he said what he said it felt like a wave crashed on my body, leaving my there paralyzed and broken.

I got up from the bed walking over to the light switch I flipped the lights off and got back in bed. I laid there crying pools of tears, whilst he laid on the other side breathing heavily. Just like him to not care. He turned over letting out a breath. He moved the hair that had fell in my face out of my face and tucked it behind me ear. He kissed my cheek ever so softly, turned back over and said "I'm sorry." then fell back asleep.

I think it's funny how guys think sorry just magically fixes everything. I also think it's funny how guys treat you like you are a robot and you have no feelings whatsoever. They think they can just say whatever they want to upset us then say sorry and everything will be fixed.

It annoys me to the max when guys apologize when they don't mean it, I knew Justin didn't mean it.

I'm not good at writing long chapters sorry. and I'm sorry I haven't updated in a bit, I'm not really doing so well, but I'll try to update more. until next chapter.