7/22/20
The last few weeks have really flown by. My cousins Logan and Kasey came to visit me in California for about a week then we drove home to Oklahoma together. I was there for two weeks. Since I've been back, I noticed that I sleep, watch tv, and don't eat much. I have my dog watching/ babysitting jobs to keep my a least a little busy. But that's what I do other than that. I haven't cried at all. I think I'm just numb. I'm not sad. Just lonely. I miss my husband. I'm starting to get out more though. I went to the beach with some other wives. I'm going to a winery with my kind of friend Julia. I hang out with my friend Christine sometimes. I miss Nick.
7/31/20
Today is the first time I've cried since the second day he was gone. I'm sad, lonely, uncertain of the future, and scared. I'm always scared that something is going to happen to him. No one here in California actually cares about me. I'm here completely alone. It hurts so much. It's such an indescribable pain. I feel like I'm wasting away to nothing. I don't want to be here anymore. There's no motivation for anything. I know what Nick would say. " before you know it I'll be back home and it'll be like I never left." That's what he said when he went to Infantry Training. And Integrated Training Exercise.
Why did he have to do something dangerous? I've never truly understood depressed people until now. It's sadness, yes. But more than anything it's hollowness. The will to care stops. You let yourself go. Don't shower for days. Don't eat or eat too much. Don't sleep or sleep the day away. Hurt yourself on purpose because it's the only way you'll feel anything other than sadness. I can't stop the tears.
