His Habits

I Gotta Stay

I think I am at the point where I do not care about the red flags I saw with Adam. I am truly just thinking about him. Thinking about the texts I could send every morning. Thinking about our anniversary and his birthday this month. I am thinking about the holidays. Picking pumpkins, Halloween movies, Christmas walks, baking cookies, and truly just enjoying each other's company. I gotta stay just to be with him. Adam and I still text and he will say he loves me. I asked him what he meant by it and it is not the type of love for him to stay. It means he loves me even if he's moved on. Which I am afraid he has. He does not have a new girlfriend or talking to anyone, but emotionally, he's not with me. He doesn't stay up wondering how I am at night. He doesn't see a basic meme and think of how I would laugh. He no longer wonders what I'm going to wear the next day. He doesn't get excited at the thought of holding my hand. He simply has moved on. I think what I want most is to know that he does. I would do anything to dance with him again, but he would rather save his breath. I want him to tickle me, even though I hated it. I want to be there in his low moments. I want to rub his head after he comes home and has a bad day. I want to surprise him with our favorite restaurant. I want to wear his favorite outfit of mine. I so desperately want to be with him one last time. A month has past and I think about him daily. I think about all the things that could of happened. It saddens me to think that has all come to an end. I am living this during chapter and wish I could predict what would happen next, but I continue to live. In all honesty, I do not want to live. I gotta stay. However, nothing makes me want to. I have incredible friends but I want Adam. I truly would do anything for that boy and without him, I feel lost. I am in love and I don't know how to move past this. I don't know how to fall out of love like he did.