The Plan

Chapter 1

TOBI
December 18th 2019

Coming out in an African household is very scary. Sometimes I'll want to say fuck it and walk up to my mum to say: "I like boys mummy, I always have and I always will."

I chicken out all the time because I'm absolutely terrified of the outcome.
Don't get me wrong, I know my parents adore me but there's so much homophobia being sprouted at least 5 times per day that I know if I come out to them, I'll be disowned.

Besides, I'm just a college student majoring in English Language. I need my fees paid so I can get this degree and finally be free of them.

Maybe if I'm independent and successful as a gay man, they'll see there's nothing wrong with it.
Maybe they'll still love me.

Growing up, I used to wonder whether there was something wrong with me. I found it super childish when my guy friends were talking about getting with girls, identifying as boobs men or ass men, giving explicit details of their sex lives that their girlfriends trusted them with or even exposing their nudes. It was like a competition to see whose girlfriend was the sexiest.

I always picked ass when they asked me which was preferable. I would say ass all the way. Little did they know that it was theirs I was always staring at.

I was never actually the popular kid, but I knew deep down that if I talked about the attraction I had for guys, I would be bullied.

I had no one to talk to. I knew for sure that back then as a kid if I talked to my parents, it will have been straight to the church for exorcism or something.

Maybe if I wasn't an only child, I could have confided in my siblings. Maybe they'll have made me feel like I was normal.

Through social media, I met a lot of people that were like me. I saw that I wasn't alone and I wasn't crazy for having such feelings.

I've come a long way from those depressive and suicidal thoughts. My plan is set, I've only got a few more months left to graduate.
Once I graduate, I just need to get a well paying job, get a new place, come out to my family and hope for the best.
Maybe love would also find me too, who knows?