Spritual Series ♥

♥ Spritual Series Part : 05 ♥

Don't feel awkward when talking to Allah. It can only feel awkward if you think no one is listening.

إِنَّ رَبِّى لَسَمِيعُ ٱلدُّعَ
Indeed, my Lord is the Hearer of supplication. [14:39]

~ Nouman Ali khan.

I sat on the bench shivering in the cold of a late November night. Street lights illuminated my foggy surrounding. It was evening, and I was sitting on a wooden bench of the civil park.

As the night progressed, people returned back to the safety of their homes. Oblivious to my surrounding I sat on the bench, lost in my own thoughts.

A world of dissapointment, sadness, hopelessness.

I sighed, crossing my arm against my chest. My eyes wandered up to the sky. The moon was shadowed behind gloomy clouds, witnessing the turmoil inside me.

My mind wandered back to a few hours ago, playing the incident on repeat.

"Samad! Iam asking one more time. What's the matter? Spill,please? "

Hana, the lady I admired the most stood in front of me, her arms moving in the air as she kept on questioning me. It wasn't her fault  as I must have acted weird, trying to propose her.

Holding a velvet box in my hand, I tried to kneel as best as I can in my current situation. Opening the small box, I offered it to her.

"Look Hana, don't mind! I just. . .just want to know your. . .your opinion. Will you marry. . .marry me?"

I stuttered badly, my breath quickened, my heart was pacing fast yet my eyes twinkled with hope, a hope of better future, a hope of a new beginning.

She looked at me awestruck, slowly  grasping what I have said. She became uncomfortable as realisation struck, she hesitated a bit before saying.

"Thanks! But Samad, I. . . never thought of you like this, I mean sorry, but. . ."

Avoiding my eyes, her gaze frantically searched for something, anything to get her out of the situation.

"Consider it, take your time."
My voice seem to come from a far off place.

Deep down I knew it was another rejection for the same reason.

No one would ever want to marry a handicapped.

The grass rustled behind me, disconnecting me from my thoughts. A guy around my age spread down a mat on the grass and kneeled down to pray.

It was enough to catch my attention. I stared at him as he cried, soon he started sobbing.

By that time the garden was almost empty.The sound echoed in the clearing as he sobbed his heart out. I just sat there patiently, staring at him shocked and worried. When he was finished, he neatly folded up the mat and started tying up his shoes.

"Hey, brother." I greeted awkwardly.

"Oh!! Hey, yes? He was surprised to find someone other than him, here.

"Umm. . . Sorry, if Iam getting personal. . .but you were crying. . .do you like. . .need any help?" I asked genuine yet anxious .

"Oh! No nothing bro! Iam fine." He laughed pleasingly, his face radiated satisfaction and fulfilment.

"If you need a job or something like that may be. .  I can help you." I offered once again.

A knowing smile brightened his face as he observed me.

"You know brother, everyone is facing various problems in there lives. Problems never end. But. . . when you surrender your problems to the almighty, you get peace. Peace of heart and mind. Sometimes problems exist, just to get you reconnected to your lord, and the connection is worth having. Take care! "

Before his words get fully registered in my mind, he was long gone.

'When you surrender your problems to the almighty.'

His voice echoed in my head, playing on repeat, a soothing lullaby. A glimmer of hope.

Driving back home, various questions surrounded my mind.

When was the last time I prayed? May be eid. But I never thought of praying like this? It was new to me, very new.

How come a man cry? That person was sobbing like a child. What's that feeling?

I stopped by the local masjid of our community. An unknown feeling pulling me towards it. My steps were hesitant as I entered , It was a new experience for me. The place was spotless and radiated a peaceful energy, yet the place was empty. Red carpets were spread across the marble floor, bookshelves lined the corner of the room.

I went to do wudu, the water was cold. I stood up in prayer ,a sense of  exictment igniting within me. As I recited Surah fatiha, a lump formed in my throat, my heart pained as I stood there in front of my lord, vulnerable. The feeling overwhelmed me as I prostrated. I kept on praying.

The guiltyness overwhelmed me. I never prayed throughout the whole year. It was the first time ever I prayed alone.

I raised my hands for supplication.

Ya Rabb! I am sorry!!

Tears after tears escaped my eyes, as I muttered incoherent words, yet I knew he understood me, he knows the ongoings of my heart, he is aware of the thoughts that I carry. My heart started to melt with shame.

Ya Rabb! I never come to you. Today, I am here for my own selfish reasons. Iam. . .not a good slave of yours. .   Iam not a good. . .muslim. But I believe in you, I believe in your grace and mercy.

Ya rab I am depressed, Iam lost. I want a companion but I can't. . .have. . . Please grant me. . ."

I kept on pleading and asking for help, kept on crying to my heart's content.

I felt myself drift away from my surroundings. It felt like someone had flashed cold water on my body. I felt awake, awake from a deep slumber of ignorance.

I felt lightened, I felt serene. As his words echoed in my mind, a peaceful smile made its way across my face.

'The connection is definitely worth having '

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