Lips Like Coffee

cup: 38

NORMA

It had been a week since Pen's mother had passed. As his family prepared for her memorial, I tried to be there for them as much as possible. Which was almost impossible due to the fact Kitty tried keeping me at a distance at all times. Maybe I shouldn't have believed her when she said we could move past it; still I understood her actions.

Now, it was the day of the ceremony and I felt more excluded than ever. It was small as most of their family lived in Mexico, yet I still ended up three rows back from Pen. Of course I was just glad to be there to support him, but I would have preferred to have been next to him. Seeing the slight way his body trembled, solidified that I needed to be next to him.

Clasping my hands together, my leg bounced as I tried to listen to the pastor speak. I couldn't focus on his words as I watched Pen lean forward in his seat. Kitty leaned down to him, it looked like she was whispering to him. The way he shook his head made me curious as to what she had said. His posture only seemed to worsen as he clasped his hands together over the back of his neck.

I don't think I've ever seen him so distressed. All I wanted to do was go comfort him as much as possible. How could I do that without drawing attention to myself, or causing a commotion? Kitty wouldn't be happy if I suddenly popped to the front. But this wasn't about her, it was about Pen and he needed me.

Crouching down on the sides of the pews, I ducked in and out of the seats until I reached the front. I slid onto the seat next to Emilio and he looked down at me in surprise.

"Where did you come from," he whispered with wide, tear stained eyes.

"Switch seats with me," I said quietly, and he gave me a confused stare. "I need to be next to your brother."

Emilio made a small 'o' shape with his mouth, then stood up enough for me to replace him next to Iris. Tapping her shoulder, I tried to keep a straight face as she looked at me the same way Emilio did. They may not be blood related, but all three of them had the same confused face.

"Can we switch seats," I asked her, nodding toward her brother next to her.

"Of course," she smiled, wiping a tear from under her eye.

Repeating Emilio's actions, she stood up just enough for me scoot over. Pen was still in his hunched position, and I saw his fingernails scratching at the back of his head. Glancing up, Kitty had occupied herself on her phone. I shook my head, focusing back on the matter at hand.

With a gentle tug, I locked my fingers through his and moved them away from his neck. I could feel how violently his hands shook as I held one in my own. He was panicking, and my heart ached to see him in such a vulnerable state. It made me realize his paradoxical duality; though made to be as strong as a tree, he was as delicate as a flower.

"Can you hear me," I whispered as I leaned close to him. "Pen?"

When he didn't respond, I squeezed his hand to try to get a reaction. Nothing. He had retreated inside of his head, but I wasn't sure how far. I knew how scary it was to be stuck in the darkest depths of your mind, and I hated seeing him there. Especially since I wasn't sure how to bring him out; he always helped me out of mine but I've never experienced him having one before. How did he help me?

Using the hand that wasn't holding his, I pressed my palm to his cheek and rested my forehead against his temple. I spoke quiet assurances into his ear as I closed my eyes. If this didn't work, I didn't know what would.

"I need you here with me," I said, emotion building in my throat. "Not just right now, but forever. You're my person. You told me once that you don't want to live without me, but I can't live without you. The storm inside my head is so loud, but you helped me quiet it. Let me help you find the quiet in your storm. Please, Narcissus."