Flash forward. (Lexa/You)

Chapter 11//The border.

We walked until the sun was up, it wasn't long after Lexa rose again. I had waited all night for her to wake up. I wasn't going to leave her by herself. At least she would be a badass commander that couldn't die now thought. Right?

"What are you thinking about?" she asked looking at me with concern. I adored her.

"Nothing."

"Yes, what is it?" she said turning around to be facing me.

"You. I'm just think about you." I bursted out. "I me-mean I am thinking about everything but mainly you." I said rubbing my neck with my hand looking down then looking up at her.

"Oh." she said looking down.

"Sorry if that freaks you out. I just. I don't know." I said walking forward before I felt a hand wrap around my arm.

"It doesn't. I just you shouldn't think about me." she said looking down.

"I can't help it. I feel responsible, I was suppose to protect you and you died." I said feeling the tears running down my face. Lexa brought her hand up to my face at wiped them away,

"Don't you didn't do anything. I came, you did everything you could, you save me. YOU saved me. I am alive." she said looking up at me.

"I know that. I just you shouldn't have to live with this. Not because of me." I shook my head.

"You are not at fault here. You didn't have to do what you did, you did it anyways. This isn't on you. You don't have to live with anything." she told me staring at me with concern.

I looked at her like there was nobody else in the world. I looked at her like she was all I needed in life. I looked at her like I was gonna lose her. Because I didn't want to. I wanted her. I wanted to love her, she needed to let me love her because she deserves love.

"Lexa."

She hummed in response. "I did it because I love you." I said looking down at her again.

She looked at me in shock, confusion. She wasn't expecting it, dammit. You fucked everything up. To be fair I've never loved anymore so I was kind of new to this thing. Couldn't blame me for trying right?

No you could. Fuck. I shouldn't have said it. I was living through second hand embarrassment . "Jesus fuck I'm sorry." I said walking a little faster. I knew Lexa would be fine without me since she wasn't able to die. I walked faster. I wanted to get the hell out of there and back to Octavia. 

The world was messy, but love was a whole different set of problems. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was new, I just blurted it out not knowing how important that word was. I mean to be fair I have never heard it before from anyone or from my own mouth. I never loved anyone. 

What have I done. I just screwed up. I didn't have to tell her that. Yes I did. No I didn't. Yes I did. She knows now its her move and if she doesn't move then I know. Yes. This was good. No it probably wasn't good that I was running away, but was I suppose to stay when I knew her duty as a commander was to protect her own before anyone else. 

I risked everything telling her that, letting it be real, saying It out loud made it real. Making it real means I'll get hurt. Ugh. My brain hurts. Jesus fuck. 

I needed this thinking to stop, the only way I knew it would. Physical pain. I needed someone to hurt me so bad it overwhelmed the emotions I was feeling. I knew I just had to upset a grounder. 

I didn't even realize I was in Polis until I heard Octavia call me, thank god. I ignored her and slammed into a giant grounder hoping to make him mad. It worked. He slammed me back on my bottom and once I stood back up he swipe my feet out from under me I landed on my stomach now. I tried getting back up receiving a swift kick to the rips over and over again before he grabbed my shoulder and now I was facing him.