Something to Bond Over || Until Dawn Jossam

The Martyr [Part 02]

"Sorry," I tell her.

Ash turns on her seat with her right leg folded under her, looking at me directly. She places her left hand on my chest and grips my shirt tight.

It feels as if she's gripping me by the heart, and I can't help but feel comforted by it.

"Don't you dare apologize," she whispers at me with an edge to her tone.

"Sor—Er, right, yeah," I say dumbly as her hand falls from my chest and grabs my right hand.

I look up at the others and they all turn away. They all saw what just happened. They all saw me hyperventilate. They all saw me panic.

"Do you enjoy feeling terrorized? Humiliated? I mean, panicked?" Josh had asked. No, no one likes feeling those things.

"What were you thinking about?" Ashley suddenly asks me quietly, breaking me from my thoughts.

I sigh. "I... I don't want to talk about it, Ash."

"Besides asking me how I'm doing, you haven't talked since we swapped stories after Sam's interview with the police," she points out. "Eventually, you have to tell me what's wrong."

I crack a small smile. "What are you, a therapist?" I joke.

She gives me a small smile in return. "No, but we both know I'm right about needing to say what's wrong..." Her smile drops. "Maybe... Maybe after this, I might need one."

"Need what?"

"A therapist."

My smile drops.

The tension between us is thick and it suffocates me. I hold on to Ash as if she's my lifeline. Well, right now, she kind of is. She's the only one making me think straight at the moment.

She's my anchor in this sea of terror.

"You're right," I whisper, "about talking about it, I mean."

She looks back at me. "What were you thinking about?" she asks me again in a more somber tone, as if the question itself is the answer.

I bite my lower lip and let out a heavy breath before stilling myself. "I was thinking about Jess and... and..."

"...and Josh," Ashley finishes for me.

My throat dries up. "Yeah," I barely say since I can't even bear to hear the name of my best friend without...

"Chris, it's okay," Ashley tells me firmly, tightening her hold on my hand whilst her free hand rubs my arm. "Josh betrayed us all in the end."

"It doesn't mean he deserves to die, Ash," I scold her.

Sometimes, I forget how Ash can be a little flippant.

"I know. I know," she says. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah," I sigh.

I don't blame her for being hostile with Josh as of now. She's still shaken up from everything that happened in the lodge... but she's right about one thing. I need to get things off my system as early as possible. I know that. Prolonging the agony will only cause more agony in the future.

I need to talk to those who would understand what I'd feel about losing Jess and... and Josh. I need those who aren't angry with him.

I look at the other side of the room to see Mike and Sam seated beside each other. Mike has his elbows on his thighs, his hands clasped, and his head bowed down. Sam, on the other hand, has her arms straight with her hands holding on to the seat, gripping it like a lifeline.

They were talking in whispers half an hour ago—and it might have even escalated to a little argument in the end. I didn't hear anything except Mike insisting about someone not being fine. They stopped talking a few minutes ago and now, both of them have their eyes locked on the ground. Both of them in worlds of their own. Like me.

These two... These two knows how it truly hurts losing Josh and Jess is... Mike, from what I've seen, actually loves Jess... and Sam... Well, she and Josh were pretty close, and Josh really liked her though he didn't know it himself. The idiot.

Is it a good idea to talk to them when they look like that? Maybe. I don't want them to spiral down a dark path either. Yes, I have to talk to them.

"Ash," I start, "do you mind if I talk to Mike and Sam for a moment?"

She blinks once, twice, thrice, then her eyes quickly glance at Matt and Emily's direction—her eyes filled with worry. She's probably afraid that she will go through another slap from Emily. I saved her from the brunt of Emily's wrath earlier, and Emily apologized for "being a bitch" as she said, but she never looked at Ashley once.

I can understand Ashley's anxiety.

"Why?" she asks me.

"Just... I want to... About Jess and..." Why is it so hard to talk about them all of a sudden?

"Oh, er, yeah, yeah, sure... Of course," she replies, slowly taking her hand from mine but I quickly snatch it back to kiss the back of it as well as her right cheek before slowly making my way towards Mike and Sam.