My life with borderline

Sunday the 13th September 2020

I had to constantly try to ignore these thoughts. It makes me crazy. I want this to stop! I feel like nothing's changed since I'm in hospital. Can it ever change? Can I be good again? Am I just to stupidities accept help? Can't i see the solution or am I to stupid? I don't know but i have no energy left. I am constantly tired and i have no motivation. People always tell me that I'm still young and I should just move on. As if i didn't try that yet. I can not move on. How should I catch up to something that is way faster then me. And these thoughts that are constantly running trough my head. Every single one of them tries to kill me. And i don't know if I am strong enough to ignore them.

Even though my day was okay i can not really enjoy it because after all it is always the same. It hurts or it's numb. There is nothing in between. I either feel to much or nothing at all there's no middle and it kills me because I don't know how to control it. Well I have a way but its the wrong one. Self harm helps me to feel control, to punish myself, to feel something it depends on my mood. People just see the scares and not the war behind it. They don't see the strength that is needed to even stand there. They just judge and don't think.

Life is hard but what should I do about it... i feel like giving up because i don't see a way to win this war...