Should I get Seperated?

Chapter One

I am not going to help his mother in any way! When she turned down my earnest request last night, I turned my back to her. I reached out to her because she promised to stay by my side and help me. She promised that she would always be my side because I was alone. She assured me over the years (10+) that she would always support me because I was a fair person and I never let my emotions rule me.

But, what a joke it turned out to be! My husband as usual was tormenting me to cook for him when we were returning home after a long day of being out shopping. I havent recovered from my unusual illness as it is. I had fever, chills and severe body pains since last week. Taking care of home, baby and picking up my son has already taken its toll on my body. To top it all, I had to push myself to finish all the last miniute errands because my husband had to leave out of town.

Having him around, I hopelessly felt that his help would benefit us. He cribbed and cribbed, so much, that I have forgotten how to brathe naturally because of constantly trying to calm myself down around his most unpleasant company. Oh God! Why did I end up with an ASS as my husband? There were enough signs to prove to me that his head doesnt wrap around things correctly. I have cried so much before my marriage because of him. I just could'nt cancel this wedding.

I can give 3 excuses to why I married him. It was more out of desperation then love. Desperation to get away from my family. Desperation because I couldnt find a way out. Desperation because my mom wanted me to leave. Desperation. . . So much desperation. No way out. Cant breathe right. No choices. Everything went bad. He seemed to be a ray of hope. I was dieing. I wanted to live. I wanted a life. I wanted to be respected. I wanted to be important for someone. I wanted to be loved, to be cared for, to be special for atleast one man.

I dont know what I have got myself into. But, one thing is certain. I have two children whom I love to no end. They are very very special to me. My quest was to be special to someone. I ended up with two people who are special to me. My precious children.

I am gratefull to my husband in a way. But, at the same time I hate the way he goes about in everyday things. I am rambling so much here because the hate is now more then the love I feel for him. Because my hate is more then the gratefullness I felt for him once. My hate is probably more because he is mot what I believed to be. I should probably hate myself for that. Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see. Now with time, I see things differently.

I now see how his mother effects him. I see how his love and duty to his mother can destroy my family. I can see that he does nothing to prevent the strain in our marriage. He brings all the shit home. He shows his frustration to me and the kids. He shows his impatience to us. He forces us to make up for his incompetence. I wanted a healthy life. I have tried so much to make things alright. So, has he. I know that he wants me because he will not find another person like me. But, that should not be the basis for a marriage.

We can still be friends even when seperated. The kids will definatly be with me. Neither he, his sister or mother are not capable of raising an emotionally balanced and confident child. My hisband can provide monetary help to raise the children. I dont want to live with him. I cant. Please dont make me suffer any more. My children should'nt learn that anybody can use them and smash their confidence. It results in deteorating health as well. I want to provide my children with a healthy and safe environment. Children need encouragement, guidance, assurance, stability, faith in themselves and others. Love will be there in both cases, one more then the other.

I have been and will continue to spend more time with them. I have been a constant support for my children. I naturally would be a the best parent to take custody of my children. My husband can have visitation rights. I believe both parents and their influence are essential for a child. I might not be able to tell my husband after we have seperated on what to get for our children. But, if we are together, I can do that. Our children will not get spoiled. They get both their parents attention as well as discipline. They can learn about family values. They can learn that quitting is easy but its not the solution for every problem. Sometimes not changing anything might be the best solution.