Castaways

Chapter 3

I wasn't sure when I stopped crying and when I fell asleep—it's possible I may have fallen into a doze while I was still teary-eyed and whimpering. But in the morning I woke up on my other side, my back pressed against Julian's chest and a hand lazily thrown over my stomach. A blush rose to my cheeks when I remembered the events of the night before. My heart sped up as I slowly became conscious of what I would normally consider an inappropriate display of affection, but secretly, I enjoyed the feeling of being cuddled. It was all I could do to keep myself from snuggling into the doctor's body.

I reluctantly reached down to move his hand from where it rested on my stomach, but at that moment, I felt him scoot a little closer and he let out a warm breath against the back of my neck. A wave of contentment passed through my lower stomach and I paused, debating whether or not I should disentangle myself so soon. He was still asleep. No one would know if I let him hold me a little longer.

But as much as I hated it, I knew on some level that it was wrong to take pleasure in our situation when he wasn't even conscious enough to make a proper decision about it. I had to get up. I sighed softly as I removed his hand from my stomach and I carefully extracted myself from the bed without waking him.

The night before had gotten a little out of hand, I thought to myself as I fixed my hair in the mirror and straightened out the clothes Bashir had given me. There was no hope of changing into a uniform to start my day, unless we could find a way to clear the wreckage that was blocking off half of the runabout. I certainly didn't have the physical strength, and neither did Julian. Using a phaser likely wouldn't work either.

Once I'd sorted myself out so that I didn't look like a complete mess, I quietly headed out of Bashir's quarters. When I got into the hall, I stared at the door leading to Ryan's quarters and I curled my fingers into fists. Just knowing the Raveks were in there... that her murderers got her space... it filled me with rage. But I forced myself to look away and the hate began to dissipate. I was allowed to feel grief. But the sooner I could get rid of such bitter feelings, the better. Instead of approaching the quarters and exacting vengeance on the Raveks I headed towards the command pit in order to record a personal log on the ship's systems. It was difficult to deliver the news even if I wasn't telling anyone real yet. I hardly wanted to believe it myself. But it was done in a matter of minutes. I only hoped we wouldn't get in further trouble with Starfleet after such an abysmal first contact situation.

I decided, once the log was done, to head outside. According to the computer it was roughly 06:30 hours. An early morning, for me, but I couldn't sleep anymore. I really just needed some fresh air and time alone, to think. My stomach grumbled angrily once I got into the fresh air and the crisp coolness of autumn sent a chill down my spine. But now that the sun was up, the cold didn't feel so unbearable.

I spent a long time sitting down on a log that Dalton had doubtlessly pulled into the campsite. But despite all my thoughts, I found it hard to come up with a profound, worthwhile, all encompassing explanation of my thoughts and feelings. I always thought that experiencing something so gutting and traumatic like this would sharpen my mind, cause me to come up with something that would make me understand and accept my existence. But instead, I just felt tangled up inside. I wanted to come up with something poetic, but when I dug around inside my chest all I could find was a dark black hole where my heart used to be.

When I sighed, a cold white crystalline puff escaped my lips, reminding me of the chilly air. This planet's autumn didn't seem as striking as the one back home on earth, but it was still pretty. The leaves stayed green, they just got darker and changed shape in order to preserve heat. I wondered if their fall harvest was as plentiful as ours? My stomach whined at me again at the thought of food. I hoped so.