A Good Man is Hard to Find

Chapter Nine

Connie

We end up having a picnic in Penn Valley Park. I've never been here before but Flip has and he assured me that the views are spectacular. He wasn't lying when he said that, it's stunning with it's green landscapes, views of the city, but most of all it feels so peaceful here. Flip suggested a local Greek bakery for our lunch and the food is exquisite. We have freshly baked olive bread, spinach and halloumi pastries, feta cheese salad and some red wine. I find Flip staring at me again, he always makes me feel so nervous, it's almost like he knows who I really am. He tells me the backstory on how he became involved with the police force as his brother was killed in a case of mistaken identity. "I'm a lot more at peace with the whole situation now, I have forgiven but I'll never forget," he says as he looks me in the eye. "How could you even contemplate forgiving someone who killed your brother so callously?" I ask bewildered. He shrugs and responds with, "To forgive I only have to do it once, to hate I have to do it every day. Life's too short to hold onto anger and resentment. The past is gone and what's happening right here and now is all that matters, I'll always love and miss my brother but I know for a fact he wouldn't want myself and my family to live in anger and to be hellbent on revenge." His words sting me so much, I know what he's saying is true but at the end of the day his invasion on my life killed my husband and destroyed everything that I had built from nothing. He continues, "Being angry does not make anything better, all it does is cause more heartache and pain. You need to take the bad with the good, terrible times don't last forever you know. Your happiness is always going to come back if you allow it." I'm desperate to get away from this conversation out of fear that I'm going to slip up, "What the fuck are you now, some kind of philosopher?" I say with a snigger. "No, I'm just a realist. Maybe you should take my advice like you did with your mom," he says as he runs his hand through his unruly hair. "So, when I was looking for a spare blanket I came across your notepad. You write your own songs?" Shit, he's been looking through my stuff. Thank goodness I threw all of my pictures of Felix and I into my locker at work. If he found all of those then I would have to pull the trigger a lot quicker than I was originally planning to. "You went through my stuff?" I ask as I sit up abruptly. He holds up his hands in defence mode. "I'm sorry, it wasn't intentional. Let me tell you something though, those are some fantastic songs you've written there. You should sing them at the club, you'll get recognised that way and it could lead to you being able to sing them professionally," he replies enthusiastically. I sigh as I know I would never be able to bring myself to do it out of fear of rejection. "I don't sing the songs that I've written in public, there's a lot of truth and real life behind them and I just don't feel comfortable," I reply in haste. "May, you never know unless you try. Give it a go and if you fall flat on your face, then at least you can say you had a stab at it. I believe in you," he says as he places his hand over mine and interlocks them together. No one has ever said that they believe in me before, even Felix. He was a great husband and loved me unconditionally, but he never encouraged me to follow my dreams. It was always me being the encouraging one and feeding his aliveness whilst neglecting my own. I hate to admit it, but Flip has got a point. "Maybe I will someday," I respond, trying to sound optimistic. "Good, and I'll be right there watching and supporting you," he replies with a grin. We finish our lunch and take a stroll into town, for a weekend it's not as busy as it usually is. Flip suggests we go into a quaint little bar for a drink, and I happily oblige. No wonder it isn't busy out on the town, it seems that everyone has congregated in here. It's bursting at the seams and we only just about manage to grab a table near the bar. Flip has disappeared to the bathroom and I'm sat on my own with my thoughts. Is it crazy to admit that I'm having a good time, I can't remember the last time someone took me out and looked after me? Walter is basically a fuck buddy and I've known that from the start, he will never ask me to be his girlfriend, and to be honest I don't even give a damn. I don't need to belong to someone, I've been in relationships since I was sixteen and having my own independence now has been like a breath of fresh air. Flip is another story, I haven't given him an easy time and I have absolutely nothing to offer him, but he is still sticking around and is willing to try to get to know me. "Alright ladies and gentlemen may I have your attention please..." I can hear Flip at the other end of the bar, he has a microphone in his hand and he's standing by the karaoke machine. Good God, I hope he's not going to start singing. He does look sexy up there though and so unbelievably confident. "We've got a very special lady in the bar this afternoon who would like to sing us a song she wrote. May, get over here please," he beckons me over to him and I'm stuck frozen in my seat in sheer terror. I can't do this, how could he just expect me to get up there and start singing in front of all these people? "I think May needs a bit of encouragement," Flip says as he starts to clap, which in turn makes everyone else clap as well. I've got a swarm of butterflies in my stomach, everyone is looking and staring at me. I take a massive gulp of my drink and make my way over to where Flip is standing with the mic. "You're in big trouble Mister," I say as he smugly hands over the mic into my shaking hand. "Just look at me the whole time and pretend it's only us in the room. I have every faith in you, doll." He says as he kisses my cheek and leaves me standing alone on the stage. Trying to block every single person in this room out I start to sing the very first song that I wrote:

Times that I've seen
You lose your way
You're not in control
And you won't be told
All I can do to keep you safe
Is hold you close
Hold you close
Til you can breathe on your own
Hold tight you're slowly
Coming back to life
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up,darling
Let go of all your haunted dreams tonight
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up,darling
Hold tight you're slowly
Coming back to life
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up, darling
Let go of all your haunted dreams tonight
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up
And I won't let you down
Everyone keeps a darker place
To lose control, you're not alone
And when you come looking for embrace
I know your soul
I'll be your home
Til you can breathe on your own
Hold tight you're slowly coming back to life
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up, darling
Let go of all your haunted dreams tonight
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up, darling
Hold tight you're slowly coming back to life
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up, darling
Let go of all your haunted dreams tonight
I'll be keeping your head up
And I won't let you down

After what seems like an eternity, I finish the song and feel so proud that I put myself out there. You could hear a pin drop in here, it's almost like the whole room has seen a ghost. Oh my God, they hated it. I knew I shouldn't of sang my own song. What a fucking idiot, I'm going to have to leave now before I embarrass myself any further. All of a sudden everyone is up on their feet and clapping for me whilst chanting my name. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, this is the first time I have ever sang my own song in public and I enjoyed every single second of it and so did the crowd it would seem. I scan the room for Flip and find him at the other end of the bar, clapping and beaming happily with the bartender next to him who is pointing at me and smiling. Another chap comes over and asks for the microphone so he can sing the next song, I leave the platform and make my way towards Flip. "Wow, you were amazing. This is the start of incredible things to come. I'm so proud of you, I hope you know that," he says shaking his head looking proud. "You're unbelievable," I say with a nervous giggle. Without hesitation and against everything I believe in I throw my arms around his neck and kiss his soft plump lips. I can't help myself, I feel so alive after that performance, the energy between myself and Flip is electrifying. He is definitely taken aback by our kiss since I've been acting like such a bitch since the first moment we met and now I'm kissing him so passionately as if my life depends on it. I feel like I am dancing on cloud nine after singing my own song and it's all down to him and his encouragement, right now I want him so badly I can taste it. He pulls away first, "Shall we head back to your place?" He whispers in my ear, without hesitation I take his hand and lead him out of the bar.