Devil's Clubhouse

Penguin Software

"Hi, I'm Peter Vesterbacka." A tall, well-dressed man stands in front of you. "I run a video games company called Penguin Software." This jovial man doesn't seem to have the same agenda as the other two you saw.

"What kind of video games do you produce?" Asks one of the lesser known Dragons.

"Anything from point and click adventures, to first person shooters, to adult games." He's lying, of course. Penguin Software doesn't produce any video games. The company is only in existence on paper. Still, this answer seems to satisfy the Dragon.

"I don't like your tone." Says Deborah. Maybe she's psychic and is seeing through his lying smile. "Explain yourself, now."

"My apologies, I thought we were supposed to be playing nice." He looks thoroughly ashamed. "I also produced a game once called 'Porno Studio'. It was banned in several countries."

Peter and the other male Dragons sit up straight in their seats. "Porno Studio?" Peter Jones shouts. "That's our target audience!"

"Yeah, well apparently the moral majority disagrees. So do you still have the rights to that game?" Deborah asks Mr. Vesterbacka. "Because if you don't, you can have a new one called 'Porno Studio 2'."

You're surprised by the Dragon's unrestrained delight at the sound of this man's pornographic game.

"Porn games don't sell." Mr. Vesterbacka says, shaking his head. "We're a family-friendly company."

"I think you're in for a big surprise. I think your company is missing a big demographic." Peter insists.

"What would that be?" he asks.

"Well the five people sitting right here in this room for a start," scoffs the Gucci Purse Dragon.

"Oh, I do hope you're not including me in that group." Peter jokes.

"I wasn't," says Gucci Purse Dragon, "Someone in the audience is a big porn fan, I can hear it playing on their phone from here."

Peter and the other male Dragons laugh heartily at this. The audience shuffles in their seats. Even you get a bit embarrassed. And you don't even have your phone with you to watch porn on.

"Listen," says Peter, "we need to make a deal. We'll find you a distributor for the games, and in exchange you can produce copies of 'Porno Studio 2' and sell them through your channel."

"Let's not rule out a Porno Studio 3 or 4 either." Says Deborah.

"If you want to make an offer, we're willing to listen," says Mr. Vesterbacka.

"That's all I wanted to hear," says Peter.

"I want 90% of your business for all of the money you're asking for." Deborah throws him an offer.

"Hmm, that's more than I'm used to, but if I had to choose between a normal distribution deal or the freedom to produce whatever kind of games I want, I'd definitely take the deal."

"I want the same," says Gucci Purse Dragon.

"We both can't have the same offer." Deborah complains. "You'll have to change your offer."

"I'll change it to 60/40," Peter compromised.

"That isn't a deal!" Deborah says.

Deborah is wasting her time haggling with this man. The other three Dragons are starting to get impatient as well.

Gucci Purse Dragon stands up from her chair and takes off one of her high heeled shoes. She hoists the shoe high up for everyone to see. "I'll give all your customers a free pair of Jimmy Choo's if you take on my offer!" she yelps, visibly desperate for acknowledgement.

A couple people in the audience look impressed.

Even Mr. Vesterbacka is entranced by the shoe. "Hmmm... I still think Deborah's original deal was the best one."

"Unbelievable" Gucci Purse Dragon sulks as she sits back into her chair and turns it completely around to face the wall.

"I still say you should take the 60/40 deal." Peter continues to press his case. "You're going to need me for product placement and character models."

"I'm not worried about that. I can do that without paying anything." Says Mr. Vesterbacka.

The recording is interrupted by a noise at the back of the studio. The Director is back on set and he's even angrier than before. Possibly also a bit drunk.

"Why the hell is it taking so long to get through contestants?" he barks at his assistant. "We're losing audience members by the minute! Start cutting some cheques!"

A stage hand walks onto the set and whispers into Peter's ear. He fidgets in his seat. He's obviously been told to hurry up as filming is about to wrap. The assistant director will no doubt be coming to the set any minute now to call wrap.

"Right," says Peter, "I'm packing my bundles of notes away now."

There's a big empty section of audience behind you. A lot of people have already gone home.Mr. Vesterbacka ultimately went with Deborah's offer. He didn't seem to mind losing 90% of his business to her.

Some chancer audience members thought it would be smart to hang around after filming was over to see if any of the Dragons had left some bank notes behind.

Guess what? They did. A lot of them.

Turns out they're quite forgetful.

Security stopped them pretty quickly, though. It's hard to sneak out bundles of notes when you're not allowed to take bags or coats in with you.

As for the contestants, they're no longer with us. Deborah managed to sell her share in the company of Mr. Vesterbacka, but he was later arrested for fraud.