This Is Me Warts And All

Chapter one✅

⚠️This story deals with past sexual abuse. It DOESN'T go into ANY detail about the abuse.  This story is about a woman taking control of her life and refusing to let her past define her⚠️.

This story is written in a diary style, there will purposely be spelling mistakes. Run on sentences and sentences that make no sense. As this is about the heroine coming to terms with what happened to her. Except the story to be written in the frame of mine she is at the time.

There's mention of self harm in this book and themes of suicide. It's in the context of showing Cassie's mental health situation. There's no glamorising of those two action in this book.

This is written in local dialect, when someone goes our Cassie. It means because they're part of their family they go our. So a son could say our Cassie, or a mother or brother".

I don't give permission for my book to be put on other sites, translated or quoted without my express permission.
                  Marie

Monday

"So where to begin, I don't even know why I'm doing this oh crap. I'm talking out loud to myself and writing down exactly what I'm saying".

I roll my eyes at myself in an empty room. My name is Cassie Dudley and I decided to write a diary having never seen one in real life and having read the secret diary of Adrian Mole books when I was younger.

I thought of doing it this way. I ramble at times in real life so I'm sure I'll ramble in my diary.  A bit about me, I just finish university, yes I'm smart I'm going to be a social worker. I have a mum and dad who love me to pieces and I'm seeing someone.

I got a 1:1 degree from Manchester University, a first damn I'm good. I have a job line up that I start in the next couple of months working for Suffolk Social Services children division.

I have some great friends I met at university and still have friends I met in Menden, a quiet village where I use to live. My body is lean but defined, I work out a lot. I'm five foot ten with blue eyes and long brown hair. I stop writing and look at the crap I wrote even to a diary only I will ever read I can't be honest.

Tuesday

Everything I wrote yesterday was both a lie and the truth it was a façade. I'm good at that putting up a fake narrative so people see what I think they expect of me. You have to look deeper to see the truth, it's why I feel so close to Alex Adams. Why what we have is so special he saw me, flaws and all and still wanted me. He is a newly qualified doctor I'm in love with him. The truth is he was never really mine he belonged to someone else. If I'm going to start writing in you I'm going to be honest from now on. Here goes nothing my name is Cassie I worked my ass off to get into university and get a degree because I have a passion for helping children who can't help themselves. I've huge student debts. My mum and I didn't always have the best relationship and right now we're not has close as I would like us to be.

The person I referred to as my dad isn't my dad, he use to date my mum. Then he helped me turned my life around and accept that I was worth more than being a tearaway. I supported myself at university with a job and at times it was hard. I have a great body but at times I self harm so not a lot of people have seen me naked. I cover up even at the gym. I wanted to be a social worker because I know what's it like to be harmed as a child.

When I was eight my father started abusing me. I wonder what's it called when the title of a film or book is mentioned in the book or film. He didn't physically abuse me he did the other one, damn I need to know what's it called. He sexually abused me and it's why I wanted to be a social worker, to help those who can't help themselves. I never told anyone about it, I left home when I was a teenager and my mum left me when I was even younger. I became a very angry young woman. I had a step-mother who I lived with when I was at my real dads house.

I'm ashamed to say I did lash out at her at times. I was angry at her because I though she knew what was happening to me and didn't stop it. I was the child she was the adult. I regret hitting her violence was never the answer towards her. What am I saying it's never the answer.

I was a teenager wanting to have a conversation with her not knowing where to start, well that's a lie I knew where. I would ask her why are you not putting a stop to this you have a young daughter who he could do this to as well.

Wednesday

Today I moved back home to Menden my mum owns the hotel and public house there. Her name is Margaret Peterson but everyone calls her Meg. The person I think of as my dad Teddy Smith who everyone calls Ted is a surgeon. Alex is moving back to the village as well he was born here. His half sister Abbey and half brother Mathew and his stepmom Linda all live here. People in Menden don't know Alex and I were screwing behind his fiancé's back, they don't even know he knows me. I walk into the village shop to buy milk only to see Alex's fiancée Amy Stammer staring at me, she comes over and hugs me. "Cassie it's so wonderful to see you, congrats by the way on your 1:1 degree".

"Wow mate that's amazing", I turn to see John the shop owner looking at me. He gives me a bottle of champagne, "This is on the house".

"Thank you", I pay for my milk, say goodbye to Amy and John and leave. I bought a Cottage and you're probably thinking how the hell does a university graduate have the money to buy a home. Alex and I have legal ownership of it together. In one of our post sex highs we were discussing how nice it would be to one day not hide and live together. So when he came into some money that his gran left him he went and bought a house for us.  Now I'm thinking what the hell is Amy doing here in Menden she's not suppose to be here, then I see her father and teenage son walking in the village. Yes her old ass as a child. "Cassie how lovely to see you", I extend my hand to Ethan, Amy's father. "Nice to see you again Larry what are you doing here?"

"I bought the big Manor House it looks like we're going to be neighbours".