the shattered life

the knife beckons

after school i went to my bike i saw a long small box on the seat of my bike as i opened it i saw a small retractable box cutter knife with a note wrapped around the knife said "why dont you cut with this my toy!!!! " as the fear surged inside of of my veins and throughout my body as i look for the one person who has tormented me all these years but no one was there...... and all i can think about is how she has told me that in many different ways that my mom wanted me dead! maybe just a few little ones that's all I'll do.. no i cant     and how she made me feel like a little piece of dung  how she spreaded rumors that hurted me! How she turned most of the school against me and got them to bully me as well...... i want to bleed so badly... no i cant..... i cant.... how everyday in the hallways she would call me a whore and a slut even though i always try not to show skin by wearing  long sleeved shirts, a jacket and baggy jeans covering my body up to my neck but mainly all i think about is how right she was!!! everyone does wants me dead!!!!!!!! i am a little slut!!!!!! i am a little whore!!!!!!! everything that they said was true!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!.  why else would they say what they said!!!!!! WHY!!!!?? FUCKIN WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????  I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!     i quickly put the knife in my pocket and got on my bike and rode as fast as i could to the park near the school and went to the restrooms and grabbed the knife and pulled up my right arm sleeve and revealed sad, self hateful, lonely, angry, hopeless, guilty looking scars going in all directions... cut after cut after cut my thoughts inside of my trapped mind screamed out WHY DONT YOU JUST DDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????? I slashed myself over and over and over again until the calmness washed over me in waves and the screams in me of self hate quieted down to a whisper......

only after i cut i realized that these cuts aren't little or a few either so i dressed the wounds on my right arm with left over supplies in my backpack. i put the blade back in my pocket and pulled down my right arm sleeve once again hiding the iceberg of my real emotions beneath the water showing the fake happiness and  the fake im fine! side of the iceberg on top....... i then decided to take a walk and think.... as i was walking and lost in thought i heard my phone ring from a text message that i got. its from a person who i was not expecting.... kaci

kaci: hey you alright? <3 im worried about you  = /

zoey: im fine!!! see =) =) =)!!!!!!!!

kaci: i saw you rode away from school today..... what happened? you looked like something was wrong  = /

zoey: you saw me? =(

kaci: yeah..... i did hun.. come to the parking lot. ok? please... lets go hang out and talk.... <3

zoey: .............um ............ok. =(

kaci: thank you so munch! =)

then i put my phone back in my pocket and while i walked to the parking lot of the park i was full of fear and questions... what do i do?  what am i suppose to say?  that i went to the park to self harm???  no!!!!! she will probably freak out and talk about it to people later on!!!!!  there's no way that she will understand............ no one does ..............

when i got to the parking lot she was standing beside a black Volkswagen Tiguan searching for me i waved at her and when she saw me her beautiful brown eyes shown true concern  as soon as i was near she hugged me and asked "hey zoey... are you up for some coffee and some poetry? my treat..." i said quietly "ok I'm going to call my mom to let her know that im going with you and I'll be home later ok?" "ok!!" she said happily

after i talked to my mom and she approved of it.. kaci and me managed to get my bike into the back of her vehicle then we got into the car i asked "where are we going out to?" "we're going to the dark moon café.. they have the best white chocolate mocha ever! and every Wednesdays they have open mike night so i hope you like poetry" she said i replied "i love white chocolate mocha and poetry!!!!!!!!! "im glad sweetie!!!!" she happily said as we went to the dark moon café together...